What do I have to be anxious for?
If the day is the last, what's left when I am no longer present...
will my tomorrow be a heaven?
What control do you have anxiety?
I'm so tired of your presence, anxiety.
I've lived a life that has with open arms welcomed your characteristics. I too often encourage mistrust, with my my less than honorable actions - that plead to be anxious and see things that are not.
When I'm gone some of my days of shame and regret will hurt... And for that I'm pained.
In my humanity, the impulse to live out desires - to control... has not always led to actions worthy of respect.
I don't blame anyone - since an early age I've always known I've needed control. I'm not sure where it started or when.. the insecurity - hardness in my chest afraid someone won't love me, the lack of air when I'm afraid of being alone.. the deafening sounds of silence!
Always, always wanted control. Control is protection from those things, right? As if!
Men in my life and women - not just a male Sex power struggle. But 'people', often took control of me, violated my space without permission, touched me too close or never came home to hug me close enough.
When you spend so long seeing touch being too much when left up to someone else, but also hurting in its absence - how do you win?
I often take matters in my own hands and push boundaries, to see how far I can go.. how much can I push and remain in control, remain the one to know the next hand to be dealt, to be one step ahead.
It bites me in the ass more than not.
I have come so far, forgiving those that crossed too far, and loving those that were once not close enough!
I don't really believe we can right all of our wrongs. We can't force a feeling, thought, or healing process on anyone - we can offer apologies.. where there's true sentiment / regret, but that doesn't always right the path - and can't always be the solace someone else may need!
That's the danger of always wanting control, you risk truly hurting someone else. And usually the ones you wish to love the most.
Be it your double standards, or lack of freedom, control is stifling. It feels like such a high in moments, but with control - anxiety, worry, pressure, regret and the weight of the world is often there to follow!
In the past, I thought it best to "let go of control", but as I grow I'm beginning to wonder/ realize the beauty is truly in how you utilize your talent.
Maintaining a position in which you carry the variety or the masses, is talent. Analyzing things to know more, question more, see beyond - predict next steps with data collected, pivot quickly, listen intently; these qualities come as characteristics of the talents.. being able to lead people requires control.
Leading others, directing an event, mastering certain skills, all of these positive possibilities require control - and how you use determines the sweetness or the bitterness experienced next.
But Fucking anxiety - how do I hand over the control I've worked so hard to obtain? It's baffling, constant vicious battle!
Controlling things out of your lane, fosters anxiety and then anxiety, somehow can gain control of you.
See when you work on controlling things that aren't yours, you may just find either someone else that's stronger, more capable of the evil use of their talents, or the dark angel anxiety.
I claim anxiety as a dark angel, saying "demon" sounds too harsh, because I think a bit of anxiety, is good to keep you in check - it does foster questions and questions foster curiosities and curiosities hope for growth!
Riding on a plane once, the turbulence almost brought me to tears... but then, I thought to myself, working my heart beat up isn't going to change any possible outcome. I had to laugh at myself - "yea girl, your tears ain't gonna drive this plane into safety!"
When you can laugh at yourself hard enough, to check yourself - you know that from that moment, change has to occur.
I'm not sure I will ever fully have a healthy balanced relationship with control, but I can strive to remember to laugh at myself sooner than later to realize - I'm not always the Boss of a moment, but I'm always the boss of me. How I chose to see, hear, reflect and move - that's on me!
I do not need the power to control someone else's actions to protect myself, I must protect myself in realizing that it's not always my move!
"If I can't control it, I'm not going to let it control me...
Why waste energy on the what ifs of things you can't control.."
