STEADY MY HEART

1 Peter 1:24-25 CEB
"Thus, All human life on the earth is like grass, and all human glory is like a flower in a field. The grass dries up and its flower falls off, but the Lord’s word endures forever. This is the word that was proclaimed to you as good news."

You can spend so much time rejecting the peace that pursues you in the midst of all the chaos of the day, and you find yourself drained and lost. There's a hope forever that's greater than anything we can create, because it created us, a hope and a peace that exist through all the seasons, all the trials and all the fire: he endures. I've been so hesitant to give my life to the Father in fear of falling short, because in my mind I must be of certain value for him to want me... But that's a lie, and just pure irrationality,  that I've used to be lazy. It's so hard to just rest in the beauty of peace, that sounds ridiculous, but when you thrive on chaos you easily get lost in the midst of irrational ideas that are nothing but sinking sand. As I'm journeying through this new yet so familiar adventure, I'm reminded of how crucial a solid foundation is to being able to succeed. I want success in a way that's a little unorthodox to much I know.. Success I desire is not found in monetary/tangible gifts, however it is found in WHOLENESS, I could maybe experience as a human being. A human fully capable of loving, resting, rejoicing, being vulnerable, living.
The life we live on earth is TOO short to always live on a slippery slope of sinking sand, I want solid joy that's everlasting so that I may interact with my fellow man in a way that is encouraging an enlightening. I'm tired of so many what ifs and broken ideals, I want to rest in security, the security that's offered in the peace of the Father.

Help me Lord to cling to you, teach me your ways, show me your heart.. Let me be vulnerable with you.. Write my story,  and unending tale of waking with you,  a story that you already know. 

Watch "Francesca Battistelli - Write Your Story lyrics" on YouTube
Francesca Battistelli - Write Your Story lyrics: http://youtu.be/8_ghJA2Szs4

Scones, Coffee, Jesus and Smokes

Today as I Sit in one of my favorite places in Shreveport, there is an enlightenment I feel processing through the Journey I have been on... It's been exhausting, liberating and beautiful. I realized that it all has purpose... Every step we take and every dream, we dream, there are beautiful parts of our lives that foster the identity we hope to one day find..

Several months ago I decided to forsake an identity I once had, I was done with "Christianity", I was done with the rigid bull crap and list of rules that I had set my life around.... Those boundaries hindered my ability to be free and love... I was so angry at God for everything, I put all the blame on His nature and on His demand for "righteousness".... I gave up on Him, I wanted to run from every ounce of all that I ever knew... 

Like Dolald Miller portrays in "Searching for God Knows What", leaving that god, a god that I had figured out was the best thing I could have done. 

I'm still journeying through all of this and trying to see with new eyes & I know the adventure will never be over, for that I am thankful.... But here is one thing that helped me take a few more steps into realizing that God wasn't to blame, his impostors however are the ones I needed to renounce!! 

"The Bible.... It's not a road map to show you the way to live; it's not a list of dos an don'ts; how to and how not to....

It is however a map to show you the character of the one true God! It's a journey of foundational stories that allow you to get to see the faithful one and how He loves: through discipline, obedience, honor, faith, kindness, harsh reality and soo much more!! Don't forsake scripture because you see the rigid lines people create with their expectations for you to live in a culture that's not your own; however you should see scripture as what it is, a story of truth about a faithful God who loves in his own way and chooses to love us within the culture that we live.. He doesn't require us to conform to a generation not our own... I want to choose to Believe this idea and have faith in a creator bigger than myself! Maybe it's crazy to believe in something unseen, but for whatever reason it may be, I'm gonna stand an run with the light of hope in something bigger than myself."

Most of my life I've held scripture as if it were a part of the "Trinity"... Ha sounds crazy, but I bet if you start thinking about it you just may relate.... But now I see scripture as a beautiful colorful Map that shows me a God that I may fear, because he is sooo much bigger than anything I can contain... There is a relevance in being able to read scripture as a love story and see how we were created to Need; created to need a relationship with an Intelligent Being who is more than we can contain..

Through the Process, Breathe!

Saturday, February 01, 2014

2:50 PM

When you're on the journey of your life, asking question, seeking more… desiring more.. You often get worn out if you forget to take the time to pause! Never in my life have I had respect or saw need to "slow down", but more than ever I value this crucial idea most of all. My favorite word the last week or so, is Selah, it has a plethora of relevant meanings that foster "pause".

The various Hebrew meanings for this word are all very fitting for how just saying it makes me feel. It is most commonly understood as a "pause" in a song; however some of it's other meaning include rock, stop and listen, to hang or weigh. It overwhelmed my soul when I thought of the power of one simple word. If you see Selah as "rock" there is solid foundation in that, just breathing and thinking upon something sturdy. I think it would be awesome to practice singing the lines to your favorite song that give you strength and courage to keep going; after you favorite line, just say "Selah", identify that line or phrase as your rock, a sturdy foundation for who you are (I bet you exhale a deep breath and have hope). We can use the same application with the other various meanings of Selah, do the same thing and act, pause, stop, just listen, hang out and weigh the meaning of what you just said. I love how every definition of this word just brings hope, it intensifies a psalm, a quote, a phrase, pretty much anything.

This concept is so crucial to be productive in our journeys through life. We often forget that we need to process for a period of time. It is rare that I have days where I am allowed to just sit back on the couch and think, wonder, or just dream; and it is even more difficult that I take time to see the moments during my daily chaos to just breathe.

Working 9-5 kind of jobs we usually just feel bogged down by the weight of task, just waiting on the clock to strike 5 but for what because usually there is an entire new task list waiting for you. I am beginning to see that sometimes there is actually time allotted or available to 'rest' in the midst of our days; it may just be possible to rest in the mundane.

I have been overwhelmed by life's demands, the issue of there is just never enough time in a day. I feel that the I've also spent a lot of time lately weighted down by the questions and concerns of my brain and heart.

Have you ever desired that you just had multiple copies of yourself? I mean seriously, we have 3D printers, now someone needs to really get serious about cloning(thanks scientist and future technology developers, I would greatly appreciate your work). If I just had at least 3 of me, I could have one handle work, one handle my emotions and one to handle the fun in life that I feel I often miss out on. It just definitely seems life takes up so much time and there is not room to breathe and pause for me to just be.

All of this curious non-sense of my day to day has gotten heavy tis why I think I have had such inspiration from the idea of Selah. we often have not set apart time to weigh the content of our days, but if we take the idea of the meaning of Selah into all areas of our lives, I promise there is hope of great joy to be found. As I have ultimately been crushing on this word (maybe a little infatuated with the idea of 'pause') I have seen great joy in some of the mundane moments of my chaotic work days as well in the normalcy of routine.

I definitely do not have it all together, but I am working on coaching myself to just breathe and be self aware of my moments.

"There are only two days in the year that nothing can be done. One is called yesterday and the other is called tomorrow, so today is the right day to love, believe, do and mostly LIVE." -Dalai Lama

Just take a second, "Selah". 

Make that Change

Written 01/20& 02/01

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PivWY9wn5ps

If you have lived, which if you are reading this you are obviously alive, so living; anyhow... that means you have most likely heard this song... But listen to it again... After you read this...

Today I have desired to somehow organize my thoughts, there are so many projects going on in my brain, I do not even know where to begin; it seems I can not articulate anything that is going on up there. But as I sat and tried to start something or read something, it was just a cluster fuck of ideas that really don't even go together, but really they are all related in various ways.
My mom decided she needed a Frosty from Wendy's and that was the perfect opportunity.. As I walked outside in my Mickey pajamas to go to Wendy's, I had to turn on some good tunes; I needed some good vibes.... What to do other than roll the windows down, turn on the sports mode in the FIAT, and let the speakers caress my soul with Michael Jackson and all of his loveliness in the lyrical beauty displayed in "Man in the Mirror".
 Lerinda (the ultimate soul sister) text me, as I had recently told her of the distress I have been experiencing in my brain.. I gave her a description of my very moment, and she responded, "Foundation of your life"... Those four words gave me the inspiration to handle a bit of the cluster...

"Man in the Mirror", has been a life changing song form me for almost a solid decade now, but not until the last 8 months or so have I really experienced the song for what it truly is. I spent most of my life trying to play God and fix everyone and everything... No matter what it took or how much it hurt, I participated in the ultimate acts of manipulation, trying to fix everything, trying to 'forgive', trying to forget, thinking everything thing was someone else's fault. But the reality was, I was ultimately in control of my own destiny; things could change if I change. 

It's weird to accept fault for yourself or position yourself to make change. We live in a world that's driven by power and excuses. We all seem to want the power of leadership, but we always make excuses to not change. It's so easy to place blame on the past or on those in our life who have brought us harm.. Those excuses hinder us from going further.. I think MJ had a point with his lyrics, the message he desired us to gather...

It has been crucial for me to comprehend the role I play in my own life and how my own thought processes actually effect my everyday. Actions are created from something that could have merely started from a mere fleeting thought. Something that has played a key role in my transformation into embracing the evolving identity I believe is required to function in the day to day of this life, is a new perspective of Psalm 139. Reading this passage, you may think "Pam this has nothing to do with your ability, this is the work of God".. and yes you are right, however the way I read that Psalm or let it saturate my life is vital to my thinking and my ability to allow actions to be fostered by love and a desire for wholeness. A few months ago, I started reading over Psalm 139 and began seeing a different portrait of the scene that is being painted with words on the page. I began to see deeper that just a thought of hope that maybe God cared enough to create me... blah blah... but I began to see the authenticity in how real that is, God did care and he does care. He cared to the point that he walked with me in the pit of my destruction. My change did not come by changing my surroundings or needing to get fix first, my change started when I looked in the mirror and knew something in me needed to be different; who would have thought that such active transformation would come with a change or renewed perspective. New perspective of hope in realizing I did not and was not walking alone in the depth of my crazy. 

I say this to open up the idea that when I realized that even though I thought I was alone, I was not... There were people loving me and standing with me hoping for transformation; hoping that I would have enough self awareness to respect myself to desire greater things. As I have taken on the realness of seeing such incredible transformation to receive the unconditional Love God shows us through David's writings, I am able to take that into the world, letting my actions be transformed by change that has occurred from within my very being. I had to start with me, I had to make a change in how I saw myself, make a change in the worth that I labeled myself, things and people around me. 

^{Psalm 32:1-4}

¹ How joyful is the one whose transgression is forgiven,

whose sin is covered! ² How joyful is the manthe Lord does not charge with sin and in whose spirit is no deceit!³ When I kept silent, my bones became brittle from my groaning all day long.

⁴ For day and night your hand was heavy on me; my strength was drained
as in the summer’s heat. Selah ⁵ Then I acknowledged my sin to You
and did not conceal my iniquity. I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,” and You took away the guilt of my sin. Selah

Word for the week Selah- stop and listen, pause

Use this as a piece to just “stop and listen, pause”, think about things that in your life can be changed to help you better function in your day. What thoughts are holding you back from making a change?

In the belly of a Great Fish

Jonah 2:2 "I called out of my distress to the Lord, And He answered me. I cried for help from the depth of Sheol; You heard my voice…"

4:11 "Should I not have compassion on Nineveh, the great city in which there are more than 120,00 persons who do not know the difference between their right an left hand, as well as many animals."

As I sit this morning, I realize, I have not given thanks to the Lord for salvation near enough. 

It seems that we get to a place where we are Free an we forget to be thankful for the freedom, we so quickly forget where we came from an even more drastically what we came through. I was oppressed, broken, suffocated, damaged, and trapped; of which I mostly brought on myself.  

As I flip through scripture an just pause to read Jonah, I started squalling like an infant. In disobedience rooted in fear, I ran from the presence of the Lord, I wanted to handle all of everything on my own. I did not have time to wait in vulnerability to allow him to show me a way or give me understanding or peace in the unknown. I refused to follow a call when I did not have control, because I thought I had my own plans all sorted out.. (JOKE) 

I'm sure I read Jonah several times growing up, and I've probably quoted the plot 5X's more than I ever thought to read it; but a friend recently directed me to Jonah an I read it and saw so many relevant truths in what I had recently been talking about or writing. But today as I fell into Jonah, I was taken by a vision of seeing the pit of my own fish that I recently was expelled from. That may be dramatic, but I spent quite some time the last few years in a pit, that smelled worse than any fish I've ever smelt, it was dark, slimy, an just a slippery mess. There was no way I could pull myself out. I am not clear on the time line for when Jonah went in the wale, to when Jonah cried up to the Lord; but I know it took me a long time. When I think of it now, in my experience, I feel like Dory an Marlin in Finding Nemo, I was quick to call for help, but I was still holding on to the inside of the Wale, because I was so afraid of the journey up.

How crazy is that, who is scared of the journey up? Up means better, right? Jonah's  cry out to the Lord, was so personable an so sincere, he knew the Lord heard him from the depth. In the pit Jonah's prayer did not include a plethora of empty promises, Jonah just declared the truth of who the Lord was an cried out to remember the Lord and give him praise for salvation.

I was so afraid of not being able to make enough promises to righteousness while I was in the belly, I saw no point in crying out to the Lord; I had nothing to offer him. But over time, I began to understand the Lord did not desire empty promises to righteousness from me; he knows he is the only one that is righteous. The Lord God just wanted me to see that salvation is from him, an he could free me. I feel that many of us stay so broken and lost in the pits of darkness, afraid to call out, because we are stuck in this mindset that we have to be "right" to be with the Lord... That is so ridiculous, and just a continual journey in bondage.

After time, I finally cried out, for I realized it was nothing I could do to climb out of that belly, but the Lord himself was gracious an he is the one who is righteous and brings salvation. When I was finally expelled from the fish, it has not been an instant adapting to the main land. I still feel vulnerable to sun light, people, heck even fresh air. 

I often feel like Jonah when he finally follows the Lord to Nineveh. Mostly confused because it is baffling to know that there is a gracious God there willing to relent. It seems so hard to grasp the very thing Jonah cries out, "I knew that You are gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abundant in loving kindness, and one who relents concerning calamity". I remember series of events that got me into the belly of the whale, one of which being I did not follow suit walking in the understanding of the need to tell of the love of God. I did not understand His grace (Let's be real, I still do not understand on any scholarly level, psst on most levels), I did not understand the urgency to just love and forgive, walking in a peace of repentance to just turn to the Lord.

I've been pained with the stories lately from friends that are crying out, "why can't we just love each other.. who cares, who they are or how they live, that's not our business, let's just love.." But like Jonah before he was swallowed by the wale, most of us have our own agenda. It seems many "Christians" think it is there responsibility to convict, they say that's them loving because they are burdened for someone's soul.... what that is, is a tragic excuse to allow yourself an others to continue living in bondage. It is our responsibility to be particular about our God and being particular about God is to show love, that is who he is.. It is not our job to persecute or stay silent when the Lord leads us. Be the voice that brings hope of the one that is compassionate and gracious to save. 

I have to rejoice that I may see this story of Jonah alive, because I pray that I do not sit outside of the city gates angry with the Lord's loving kindness and grace; but however I pray that I may embrace the Lord as he Loves those who do not know and shows compassion on his people.. "For they do not know". I want to be angry at so many people for not loving each other or for walking in arrogance and hate, I get passionately frustrated because I do not comprehend how the Lord still shows compassion on those who hurt or reject others; but I realize I myself am guilty of making my own choice to love some an eh, not so much some others... I get caught up forgetting where I was, but I have to remember once, I was in the belly of a great fish, and the Lord heard my cry.

The Journey of Excuses

Preface:
1. I need to read more: In desperate need of a Larger VOCABULARY 
2. I like List (Sorry)
3. I like to write as if I am having a casual conversation with my best friend

"Excuses never foster the outcome of productivity, they only stunt the growth that is required to extend us into the next season.."

I've spent a lot of my life making excuses for various decisions that need to be made, never launching myself into the next step... It's easier to see some areas were we make excuses, than it is others.. I can point out real quick when I fail to do anything different about exercising or my love for a good ole' coke! But, when it gets real, you know like some deep vulnerability, HELL naw, I'm gonna run with Flags of excuses flying HIGH. My favorite excuse "I ain't got time for that"... Yeah, what I need to remember is I ain't got time to be stuck in a tragic whirl wind of crazy because I'm afraid of 'a little ole effort'.... 

When I found comfort in companionship (even though completely UNHEALTHY and TOXIC), I made a way to have time for every excuse imaginable.. Excuses that almost destroyed my friendships, my family ties, even my life itself... To be so fond of thinking I don't have time, I put a lot effort into trying to destroy myself an everything that meant something to me. 

The time an effort I spent in trying to have "hope" in some sort of toxic comfort, finally one day came to an end.. The time to stop making excuses for reasons to pursue anything healthy.. I was so desperate to know what it was like to feel whole without constantly finding excuses back in to the comfort of instability. Crazy to think someone finds comfort in instability, but it is so very easy when it is all you ever know. You find yourself starting a lot of sentences with, "but, I". I always wondered why I was so quick to make excuses that placed my life in grave danger, living on a constant downward slope to epic fail; then I realize there are a plethora of reason that made making excuses to ride that downward slope into the river of instability.

1. Familiarity is a B*T*H
2. It's so much easier to do the same thing (familiarity)
3. It's easy to keep people close, when you know how to control them
4. Unstable people make for good companions, in the ole' comfort of instability
5. Doing something different is not the easier road to travel

Finally coming to a place to see so many of the unhealthy excuses I continuously made, only came after  slamming on the breaks so hard, I broke. 

Breaking into a thousand pieces, requires a great deal of work in the process for repair. I realized so many things about myself when examining various aspects of my life, an it would be entirely impossible to go into detail about everything.. But in this blog, we are discussing excuses.. One thing I realized in seeing those jumbled pieces of broken mess, was I spent way to much time enabling myself to make excuses for codependent relationships: A. I liked having something familiar B. That meant I had some kind of Control (FALSE).  I knew when I was going to be put back together, I wanted to pursue a life not full of codependent, irrational relationships. The history of codependent relationships, date back in my life, to like the embryo.... :P 

I have definitely not arrived to 100% of fullness in the comfort to not be irrational seeking familiar things.. But with the help of the Lord and incredible friends with their heads screwed on right, I've come a long way.
In those relationships, excuses don't fly.... I am accountable to the Lord and people in my life, knowing that I am better than living a string of excuses that lead to the river of instability. 

There is a line to a song that is so relevant in helping me have a great deal of respect for not even making excuses for the past: "I do not have time to think about these regrets". During this growth process, I often wanted to try to make excuses for the whys an hows of the past, allowing that to keep me stuck in the past. But, that is not the answer, staying stuck in making excuses an giving power to the regrets of the past is not walking in wholeness... However, it is productive to shout to the roof tops, "I am worth it", "I deserve peace", "I deserve wholeness". 
Sometimes I find myself walking in the old excuse mentality, making excuses for the familiar an it sneaks up on me way to often in subtle ways. The excuses start light, thinking about making excuses to not quit smoking, to not exercise, to not do this or that, then the next thing you know I am uncomfortable in my own skin an I make excuses for people to creep in my life. The greatest thing I can say is that I am finally capable of recognizing it, I am able to see it coming an take a step back, to keep from sliding into the danger zone of where the slope starts. 

None of this blog may make sense to anyone, but it is a bunch of jumbled things going on in my mind. I really like saying "I ain't got time" for a lot of things that mean nothing; but find it so easy to make excuses for the epic failure moments... I'm taking a pact with myself, the Lord an a few close to me, (I guess those who read this), to stop being so dramatic an passionate about the things that don't matter, while making excuses for the things that are so harmful.... I ain't got time to go back to the place of codependency, irrationality, brokenness or the misery that exist there. No more excuses, I want to grow, I want to continue seeing greater and brighter things in the world... 

Let's Go....

 I want nothing more than to be able to sit down and get on paper the many things that go on in my head; but that is WAY harder than it seems. You'd think I could just start writing an it be all dandy, but that is a big NEGATIVE. With feelings of inadequacy to the depth of fears from a plethora of categories, something just keeps me from being open an honest in a written form.

As time flies by, life goes on, people change, friends come an go; but some things only grow......
It was over two years ago since I last posted anything; and those post were only for school..
Today as I have spent time reading through all of the post, I am overwhelmed with memories.

The journey I have been on the last few years is almost like an imaginary tale; I think back, "did that really happen?"..

This is not a post to tell you the story in grave details all of the interesting things that happened in the last two years... But the is the pre- post of many thoughts that I will share from the journey that I traveled and honestly still traveling.. I have not arrived to some fancy place of perfection (that ain't reality for anyone). I have reached the season in this journey however that is far brighter than some past experiences. I'm curious to see where I am going, finding the places I belong in different seasons...

Reality is there is one truth that got me through and will get me through, the Lord is always with me: in the pit, in the palm of his hand, with my back facing him, with my stank face on, in my tears, in my rejoicing, everywhere.


I could sit an quote scripture, conversations and quotes, that help me make it through the day, but that will take too long an likely come in various things i share in the future... however, I will set a tone to an understanding of what I know of myself this far:
1. I love the Lord (in the best way I know how to love)
2. I make mistakes everyday: i smoke, i eat too much, i gossip, i yell, i don't like some people (an I so have NO poker face)
3. I have a best friend or 2 :) they help make days brighter
4. I love having conversations in my head an then torturing others with the details
5. I believe that every single thing created was created for COMMUNITY
6. Organized Religion often makes me ANGRY; but I like structure/order
7. Fellowship makes my heart overwhelmed with JOY
8. Being in a room with people that allow me to say F*** and JESUS in the same sentence, is a place I feel at home (hey if God is who most of us claim him to be, he knows what I was thinking anyway)...
9. People who use Biblical text to hurt someone intentionally make me want to vomit
10. I enjoy the comfort of being Real (but often TERRIFIED of Vulnerability)

Even when I've journeyed to the depths of the pit or stood in the midst of a storm sulking, the God I have hope in has given me reason to sing; He never gave up on me, never leaving me...