No Filter

This will be the most random of the blogs yet. It is a collaboration of lessons and ideas from the last few months. 

I have waited my whole life to be appreciated as being a Bitch and mostly just a Smart Ass. But with the confirmation and acceptance, maybe I went overboard.

We should feel a bit of remorse with negative energy. There should be thought put in and effort used when we are positioning things that we say out loud. 

Overall I am entirely an irrational human being. I jump to conclusions, speak before I think, cause division with unnecessary motives and cause schism where there may have been no issue. 

There are times in life where irrationality is not frowned upon, because it is a bit spontaneous; however 8 times out of 10, that is not the case. There is need for thinking about what we do or say. 

The journey of figuring out who we want to be or what makes us comfortable, is a life long journey that seems never ending.... well that's because it doesn't end as long as you are breathing. I have asked the question a lot lately, "what makes you happy". When will I feel content in what I am doing or where I am. 

Sometimes the weight of the struggle in identifying who we are is 1,000 times more than the weight we can bear. I believe this is why there is need for some sort of psychological hope. 

I have been struggling to find my psychological hope the last few months I have a deep reverence for God and do not want to abuse the comfort that is given in believing in who He is, if I am incapable of acknowledging all of His story. His story is beauty and the story of the creation itself... Whether it be a computer simulation we live in or a real authentic rock we live on, there is still a Creator and I believe in that power bigger than who I am. Most of my life I have found my identity in a western cultural norm, proclaiming and professing Christianity. But it pains me to proclaim an identity, when there is so much confusion and loss wrapped in many ideas and theories that build the foundation to the identifying term. Finding the balance or seeing God without Jesus is nearly impossible in my thought process, however there is depth to the struggle in receiving the ideas of my ancestors and the writers of scripture. So I have resolved to not profess identity in a term that has existed for centuries; I do desire to journey through this life asking existential questions and seeking the identity in who I am and how I exist with my creator, not in a story someone else created for me. 

If you have ever tried to step out of the norm for your inner circle, you know the feeling of being separated or disconnected in a greater way than most. When I struggled through figuring out who i was as a teenage or the last few years of college, I would neglect my ideas or feelings when I felt the disconnect was to strong to withhold. However, when you take a leap, separate yourself by choice, move to a new place, start over all by yourself and really get to know what solitude is, you realize that though the disconnect is painful, it is and will be one of the greatest things you ever experience. IT IS VITAL FOR SURVIVAL.  

When I was growing up, I had an incredible mentor that was full of wisdom and something she drilled into me has been reoccurring. She would say "you have to do the kitchen time before you can enjoy the table"; that may have seemed like an easy piece of advice or something that was doable, but as I have grown, the seasons of difficult mundane task seem like torture. I often dream of a way out, a way to cut the work short and reach for a reward that would be a tangible piece of happiness. However, it is not possible to skip a step and truly be successful or happy. The goal of attaining something great, is honorable; but we have to remember that happiness is not a destination of some place where struggles do not exist. I am not sure what exactly it looks like to accept reality and be comfortable in the kitchen, preparing for the day that I will feast in joy at the table. I feel as if walking in a place of contentment is necessary, but a balance of dreaming, pressing, working, and peace of reality is necessary for joy. I think it is key that we figure out how to let joy be something we choose even in the struggle of mundane and tedious life trials.

Fighting the fight to get life done, it is not the easiest that is for damn sure. It is  a race to survival, uncertainty, struggles, irritation, shit hole occurrences, ect. It pays off, right? Doing what we have to do everyday to be consistent in desires for who we want to be, living life in a way to find ourselves. We may most certainly change an evolve with time, but if we are consistent to remembering the disconnect is not always bad, solitude is beautiful, hard work has purpose, and one day after doing mounds of dishes, you will feast at the table an enjoy the beauty of LIFE. 

It is a Journey and a journey worth fighting for.

"There are moments when troubles enter our lives and we can do nothing to avoid them. But they are there for a reason. Only when we have overcome them will we understand why they were there."

~ Paulo Coelho

Fear of Being

Most of life in some way or another, we have all heard the saying "just be yourself", I know I have heard it and been the advocate for others to "just do it". It is funny now, as an adult it seems that it is unrealistic to truly be yourself. Going day to day, doing exactly what needs to be done, does not always allow for the appropriate space to just be. The just being that allows for you to live out passionate dreams, the real you that exist within, may not even fully exist inside because of the clutter of getting shit done. I am beyond thankful for the journey I have traveled on thus far, as well I am thankful for the job and position I currently fill.

There just seems to be the burden that weighs so heavy as you go through the day just surviving and not living. Most people would probably say I am crazy... Why, because I am doing the most, I am living in the eyes of others. My life is flourishing, and for that I could not be more thankful. I love the friends I have and the place I have found to exist, but in reality, I am not LIVING! Not Pam, not the dream... But I refuse to let it die. 

I have spent a lot of time lately feeling beat down by the survival race, I feel this life has become. It is impossible (in thought) to really just freely live as me, when I am trying desperately to just survive in all the obligations of the day.
 I spent a large portion of today fighting tears.. I was dreaming of the day I would get to just help and teach people about life. I want to help people see the joy in life, even when most circumstances say life is not worth living. The passion that is burning in my heart in the moment I mention doing something for someone that may make them feel, even if just for a moment someone cares for them enough to hope. 

The way days seem to pass by lately, I feel a bitterness that has overwhelmed my heart. I once felt compassionate and joyful, but now I feel angry and selfish. I want to be left alone, I want to hide, I run from those that love me the most. There is no wholeness and health found in bitterness, it burns away at my very soul identity.
 Today, it felt good to dream and drench the flame. I felt a bit of the bitterness wash away, even though I was still overwhelmed with the task of the day, I felt like I was going to make it. I began to reminisce over the moments I get when I do feel truly alive. 

I think that it was a valid lesson that will be one for the books.. We may have moments where we forget to breathe and feel like we can't go anymore, but if we just sit back and take a deep breath.. tell a story.. day dream.. remember the moments those dreams were real.. reflect on where you came from... conclusion, you are living, you are well, YOU ARE ALIVE. 

"I want to live, not merely survive
And I won't give up this dream
Of life that keeps me alive
I gotta be me, I gotta be me
The dream that I see makes me what I am"

'Plant a Garden'

When life is running so fast around you and you feel as if you have no purpose, it makes it really hard to hope in anything or even trust that there is an end to your tunnel, much less a light to be seen. The journey of life has a series of seasons that last different lengths of time, and have characteristics that all change from one to the next. Don't get me wrong, even some of the stormiest seasons contain a plethora of outcomes that show a beauty you may have never seen without the rain. We often feel as if we are drowning in the pain and discontentment of not knowing what is next, but sometimes our lungs just need to practice breathing in the pressure.

The last few years of my life have been immensely trying, but all in all, I must say that there has yet to be a season that has passed, without leaving rewards or remnants of memories that are to be treasured forever. The lessons we learn thorough out the journey are just pieces to the puzzle that helps create who we are. 

I recently physically made a physical transition to live in a new city. I took on the Big Ole' World and just moved. Transitioning to Houston, was an easy decision, because in many ways, I had created a life here. I had friends, I knew the routes, I was familiar with just being here; but what I did not anticipate, is that making that transition that it would open doors and be the light into showing me pieces of myself I had yet to identify.

I recently wrote on recognizing the importance of solitude and how beautiful that gift is, however, I was not anticipating to actually realize how much I loved being in that place; just cruising along, in the stillness, the quiet, the loneliness, the mundane and just being. I always thought I would be the one to always run and go, never settling, but I have come to realize, the Settle is crucial for who I am. I love routines, I like doing the same thing all the time, I did not realize how truly sentimental I am or how much I relied on my nature in being such a creature of habit. 

It is so strange coming from a mentality of thinking your life will never have solid roots, to feeling as if you are finally being planted in a way that gives you some actual security in a way that is tangible and sturdy. Moving to Houston did a work on much of my previous perspective of life and my expectations for what my life would look like. I spent the first few weeks spiraling into the abyss of tragic; but it was soon that the Lord, faintly reminded me of the desires I set for myself to pursue wholeness. Within those reminders, I knew that the road I took a sharp left turn on needed to END soon before I fell too far. 

I have been tired of the puppy analogy always chasing something new and never just being. Being has become a real part of who I am on the Journey to Wholeness, and I LOVE it.  

As the season in Houston opened, I had many expectations of what it could possibly look like, but as I sit back and look at what it has become I could not be more thankful for the Grace that I have been given or for the task that I have been entrusted.

Many days I feel incompetent and incapable of doing the task at hand, but I know that there is reason and there is hope. For what seems like the first time in life, even though it doesn't all make sense and there are many errors in my day to day, I finally feel Home. I feel as if I am in a place where I can have life, I can breathe, I can just be. SELAH :)

There may be parts of this that seem as if I have it together, but the reality of it is, I have not arrived, I have lots of growing to do and that excites me :) But what I have right now is, peace that I am not alone, security in knowing that solitude is a tangible gift that overpowers the weakness of loneliness, and courage to know that no matter how incompetent I feel, I will make it, I just have to take it one step at a time. 

When we trust in the dreams and the direction, even if that means we are kicking and screaming in the waiting, we will see the light, we will see the little patch of soil of what we may call home and begin to plant a garden.

Just let yourself breathe, stretch your lungs, let your heart grow stronger in the heart ache, just know that the soil we have when we trust the Lord, he will grow you and show you just where home is.. 

Psalm 43:3 Send your light and truth—those will guide me!

    Let them bring me to your holy mountain,

        to your dwelling place.

Disclaimer: not saying that Houston is my home forever.... But the Peace of mind of just being, is HOME!

The Heights

Simultaneously I feel the wholeness and brokenness life seems to offer..  Driven with the desire to explore the unknown, I never thought I'd feel comfort in a dream I'm living right now. I've spent my life wanting to journey through the world,  gaining eyes and ears to see and hear in ways unknown to my own life. Today as I sit outside,  wandering what exactly I'm doing,  I realize it doesn't really matter because all we  have is time to explore.  Time to explore the things of life: love,  art,  music, desire... So many things the universe has to offer.  I've waited so long to feel this,  I thought it would look different and I had surprisingly unrealistic expectations,  but as I experience the authenticity of the unknown,  I realize this is it.. This is the adventure.. Spending time seeking identity and desiring wholeness,  I thought there would be tangible gifts that had a different form from what I now see.. The real gift I've been given,  is comfort of solitude.. Solitude has taken a form of tangible goodness that I appreciate more than I ever knew I could. Wandering in the wilderness,  I see the beauty of creation in a mesmerizing way.  Everything in the present  should leave me with a feeling of lonliness and confusion,  but somehow I feel the peace of creation.  The peace that exist when we rest in the unknown.. Trying to figure out comfort in a way that's inclusive of change and rest is beautiful.. Though comfort and change seem mutually exclusive,  I find today that there is an inclusive relationship between  the two.  As change has occurred everything I know says,  broken and lonliness is knocking,  but when I look and take in reality,  I realize I'm comforted  by the journey. 

STEADY MY HEART

1 Peter 1:24-25 CEB
"Thus, All human life on the earth is like grass, and all human glory is like a flower in a field. The grass dries up and its flower falls off, but the Lord’s word endures forever. This is the word that was proclaimed to you as good news."

You can spend so much time rejecting the peace that pursues you in the midst of all the chaos of the day, and you find yourself drained and lost. There's a hope forever that's greater than anything we can create, because it created us, a hope and a peace that exist through all the seasons, all the trials and all the fire: he endures. I've been so hesitant to give my life to the Father in fear of falling short, because in my mind I must be of certain value for him to want me... But that's a lie, and just pure irrationality,  that I've used to be lazy. It's so hard to just rest in the beauty of peace, that sounds ridiculous, but when you thrive on chaos you easily get lost in the midst of irrational ideas that are nothing but sinking sand. As I'm journeying through this new yet so familiar adventure, I'm reminded of how crucial a solid foundation is to being able to succeed. I want success in a way that's a little unorthodox to much I know.. Success I desire is not found in monetary/tangible gifts, however it is found in WHOLENESS, I could maybe experience as a human being. A human fully capable of loving, resting, rejoicing, being vulnerable, living.
The life we live on earth is TOO short to always live on a slippery slope of sinking sand, I want solid joy that's everlasting so that I may interact with my fellow man in a way that is encouraging an enlightening. I'm tired of so many what ifs and broken ideals, I want to rest in security, the security that's offered in the peace of the Father.

Help me Lord to cling to you, teach me your ways, show me your heart.. Let me be vulnerable with you.. Write my story,  and unending tale of waking with you,  a story that you already know. 

Watch "Francesca Battistelli - Write Your Story lyrics" on YouTube
Francesca Battistelli - Write Your Story lyrics: http://youtu.be/8_ghJA2Szs4

Scones, Coffee, Jesus and Smokes

Today as I Sit in one of my favorite places in Shreveport, there is an enlightenment I feel processing through the Journey I have been on... It's been exhausting, liberating and beautiful. I realized that it all has purpose... Every step we take and every dream, we dream, there are beautiful parts of our lives that foster the identity we hope to one day find..

Several months ago I decided to forsake an identity I once had, I was done with "Christianity", I was done with the rigid bull crap and list of rules that I had set my life around.... Those boundaries hindered my ability to be free and love... I was so angry at God for everything, I put all the blame on His nature and on His demand for "righteousness".... I gave up on Him, I wanted to run from every ounce of all that I ever knew... 

Like Dolald Miller portrays in "Searching for God Knows What", leaving that god, a god that I had figured out was the best thing I could have done. 

I'm still journeying through all of this and trying to see with new eyes & I know the adventure will never be over, for that I am thankful.... But here is one thing that helped me take a few more steps into realizing that God wasn't to blame, his impostors however are the ones I needed to renounce!! 

"The Bible.... It's not a road map to show you the way to live; it's not a list of dos an don'ts; how to and how not to....

It is however a map to show you the character of the one true God! It's a journey of foundational stories that allow you to get to see the faithful one and how He loves: through discipline, obedience, honor, faith, kindness, harsh reality and soo much more!! Don't forsake scripture because you see the rigid lines people create with their expectations for you to live in a culture that's not your own; however you should see scripture as what it is, a story of truth about a faithful God who loves in his own way and chooses to love us within the culture that we live.. He doesn't require us to conform to a generation not our own... I want to choose to Believe this idea and have faith in a creator bigger than myself! Maybe it's crazy to believe in something unseen, but for whatever reason it may be, I'm gonna stand an run with the light of hope in something bigger than myself."

Most of my life I've held scripture as if it were a part of the "Trinity"... Ha sounds crazy, but I bet if you start thinking about it you just may relate.... But now I see scripture as a beautiful colorful Map that shows me a God that I may fear, because he is sooo much bigger than anything I can contain... There is a relevance in being able to read scripture as a love story and see how we were created to Need; created to need a relationship with an Intelligent Being who is more than we can contain..

Through the Process, Breathe!

Saturday, February 01, 2014

2:50 PM

When you're on the journey of your life, asking question, seeking more… desiring more.. You often get worn out if you forget to take the time to pause! Never in my life have I had respect or saw need to "slow down", but more than ever I value this crucial idea most of all. My favorite word the last week or so, is Selah, it has a plethora of relevant meanings that foster "pause".

The various Hebrew meanings for this word are all very fitting for how just saying it makes me feel. It is most commonly understood as a "pause" in a song; however some of it's other meaning include rock, stop and listen, to hang or weigh. It overwhelmed my soul when I thought of the power of one simple word. If you see Selah as "rock" there is solid foundation in that, just breathing and thinking upon something sturdy. I think it would be awesome to practice singing the lines to your favorite song that give you strength and courage to keep going; after you favorite line, just say "Selah", identify that line or phrase as your rock, a sturdy foundation for who you are (I bet you exhale a deep breath and have hope). We can use the same application with the other various meanings of Selah, do the same thing and act, pause, stop, just listen, hang out and weigh the meaning of what you just said. I love how every definition of this word just brings hope, it intensifies a psalm, a quote, a phrase, pretty much anything.

This concept is so crucial to be productive in our journeys through life. We often forget that we need to process for a period of time. It is rare that I have days where I am allowed to just sit back on the couch and think, wonder, or just dream; and it is even more difficult that I take time to see the moments during my daily chaos to just breathe.

Working 9-5 kind of jobs we usually just feel bogged down by the weight of task, just waiting on the clock to strike 5 but for what because usually there is an entire new task list waiting for you. I am beginning to see that sometimes there is actually time allotted or available to 'rest' in the midst of our days; it may just be possible to rest in the mundane.

I have been overwhelmed by life's demands, the issue of there is just never enough time in a day. I feel that the I've also spent a lot of time lately weighted down by the questions and concerns of my brain and heart.

Have you ever desired that you just had multiple copies of yourself? I mean seriously, we have 3D printers, now someone needs to really get serious about cloning(thanks scientist and future technology developers, I would greatly appreciate your work). If I just had at least 3 of me, I could have one handle work, one handle my emotions and one to handle the fun in life that I feel I often miss out on. It just definitely seems life takes up so much time and there is not room to breathe and pause for me to just be.

All of this curious non-sense of my day to day has gotten heavy tis why I think I have had such inspiration from the idea of Selah. we often have not set apart time to weigh the content of our days, but if we take the idea of the meaning of Selah into all areas of our lives, I promise there is hope of great joy to be found. As I have ultimately been crushing on this word (maybe a little infatuated with the idea of 'pause') I have seen great joy in some of the mundane moments of my chaotic work days as well in the normalcy of routine.

I definitely do not have it all together, but I am working on coaching myself to just breathe and be self aware of my moments.

"There are only two days in the year that nothing can be done. One is called yesterday and the other is called tomorrow, so today is the right day to love, believe, do and mostly LIVE." -Dalai Lama

Just take a second, "Selah".