Purpose

Have you ever considered what your purpose is or what drives the cause? Today as I sit, ill and weak, I wonder what  is purpose and if I really have significant purpose. I mean, what really do we have to do? Why do we exist? We can make decisions that effect us in various ways and chose paths of all kinds... But then what? I wonder why do we wake up to keep going with the grind of life, to end up where. 

I've always been a social butterfly and a person capable of working a room... I somehow demand all the attention without even realizing my reality. But as of lately, I find myself wanting to drown in the background with no significant addition to conversation. I'm not sure what value any of us add. It seems we are never satisfied. With moments of what seems like happiness or pure joy, does it last? No. Moments are fleeting.

It's interesting, one of the first steps in building the foundation of a business or organization, is making a purpose statement... A reason for existing.. Is purpose defined by what is or what could be? I feel it's the question of the day. Today my purpose is... But what about tomorrow or yesterday for that matter. 

If purpose is to succinctly capture why something exist and what it hopes to do, I feel I have failed the first portion and therefore on a mission to find something but without a fundamental understanding of existence will purpose ever be held??

I'm curious to know why I exist. It's heartwarming for many religious groups to find there fundamental meaning of existence in their God... And for this that is all well and good, but what if you feel disconnected with your creator? What if you believe that you exist from oblivion? Then what.. 

Beating Hearts

This past week, by the gift of my mother, I had an experience of a life time. As I boarded a ship to sail away for days, I hoped to sail away from my mind and all the struggles daily life seems to offer. But as the week progressed, I was able to do nothing but think and meditate on the beauty of wise wisdom spoken by many who surrounded me.

When life presents you with trials that seem as if you will break under the pressure, often we are reminded of the beauty offered even in tragedy. It is rare that in the midst of turmoil we are able to see the hope of tomorrow, but it is there. I have a character flaw when it comes to patience, it's as if I am void of any ability to wait on anything. I feel crippled by inability to grasp and idea or concept, leaving me pessimistic and hard. But as I was at sea with many beautifully wise people, I learned a lot of fundamental life lessons. Hearing the stories and struggles of those much older and wiser, gave me a hope I have neglected. We live in a "right now" culture, crippling us from the ability to hope and wait. We have so many instant gratifications, we do not even have patience to wait on the internet to load, much less wait on the gifts of tomorrows wisdom. 

I've always had a passion and desire to have grey hair,  and I want it now... This week I saw the wisdom of grey haired individuals and heard the stories of how they came to,  and it made me hope...  There's possibility we meet people to gain hope not to have an intimate knowledge of the exact story but have an intimate acquaintance with a hope that we may one day be able to tell a similar story full of wisdom.  

I'm not sure any of the beautiful people this week may know the impact and mark they left on my heart,  but something happened in that time that stirred me... 

Time at sea did not end in a room full of wisdom,  but two days I stepped off the ship into cultures that taught me something  new about Life as well. Through the adventure,  I realized how different we all are and how different our standards are..  There is beauty in simplicity,  a reminder of what is important. The beating  hearts of those around us,  they matter... We get so caught up in greed and shiny things that we forget the simple things,  the beauty in playing barefoot in a field with those who matter most. 

I met a beautiful little boy in Belize that stirred a passion in my heart like no other,  he taught me about life and about death.  He and his brother literally showed us healing in plants and death in a cemetery.  There was such power in the gentleness as he grabbed my hand and walked me around a beautiful church  where his mother worked... Moments before this gentle spirit touched me,  I was burdened to tears by poverty that I saw all around me,  but with his touch and the wisdom of my best friend I saw that he was richer than anyone I ever knew..  Simplicity is enriching.  

From the beating  heart of a child to the wisdom of the grey hairs on those who sailed away with me,  I remember to hope for the beating hearts.

Dreaming

I recently read a blog that really read me. This line, "I write to breathe again"...  It's the honest truth that's vital to me living. I have  been writing emotion and thoughts in various ways since I was little,  as a teenager I would write in code,  hiding my emotions and thoughts behind the identity of a fictional character. But as time has progressed I've seen many seasons of writing style and ideas. I went through a season where I thought I had to write everything in the form of a conversation to God in this manner of perfection,  bleeding onto paper this false reality of beautiful selflessness...  Now,  now I wrote the truth..  My confusion,  bitterness,  bitchiness, my love,  my hope, my fear.... Tonight I want to dream. I've thought a lot lately of the meaning of life and where hope comes from or the things that destroy hope.  Circumstances have been trying on my hope  for humanity,  but nights like tonight dreaming with family,  the kind of family that chooses to love you,  even though your dna doesn't match...  the dreaming with those kinda people is beautiful.. 
Life often chokes us with the rotten taste of Bullshit and it's hard to focus or remember the good... But dreaming,  it helps remind us of the treasures life has to offer. Just a glimpse of something worth hoping for or dreaming in, has power to help get the bitter taste out of our mouths. Thank goodness for the friendships with beautiful people that are comfortable with you at the lowest points,  because the excitement comes with a moment of the taste of goodness,  only adds to the joy you can experience in those moments. 
Experiencing  the beauty of dreaming and remembering that "I write to breathe again",  this moment comes to life and gives me reason to smile.  I can breathe,  I can breathe and taste,  tasting something other than the Bullshit is desirable. The Bullshit doesn't get to just disappear,  but just the sweetness that comes with dreaming,  reminds me that today and all the gross circumstances that put the nasty taste in my mouth isn't the only taste available. 

No Filter

This will be the most random of the blogs yet. It is a collaboration of lessons and ideas from the last few months. 

I have waited my whole life to be appreciated as being a Bitch and mostly just a Smart Ass. But with the confirmation and acceptance, maybe I went overboard.

We should feel a bit of remorse with negative energy. There should be thought put in and effort used when we are positioning things that we say out loud. 

Overall I am entirely an irrational human being. I jump to conclusions, speak before I think, cause division with unnecessary motives and cause schism where there may have been no issue. 

There are times in life where irrationality is not frowned upon, because it is a bit spontaneous; however 8 times out of 10, that is not the case. There is need for thinking about what we do or say. 

The journey of figuring out who we want to be or what makes us comfortable, is a life long journey that seems never ending.... well that's because it doesn't end as long as you are breathing. I have asked the question a lot lately, "what makes you happy". When will I feel content in what I am doing or where I am. 

Sometimes the weight of the struggle in identifying who we are is 1,000 times more than the weight we can bear. I believe this is why there is need for some sort of psychological hope. 

I have been struggling to find my psychological hope the last few months I have a deep reverence for God and do not want to abuse the comfort that is given in believing in who He is, if I am incapable of acknowledging all of His story. His story is beauty and the story of the creation itself... Whether it be a computer simulation we live in or a real authentic rock we live on, there is still a Creator and I believe in that power bigger than who I am. Most of my life I have found my identity in a western cultural norm, proclaiming and professing Christianity. But it pains me to proclaim an identity, when there is so much confusion and loss wrapped in many ideas and theories that build the foundation to the identifying term. Finding the balance or seeing God without Jesus is nearly impossible in my thought process, however there is depth to the struggle in receiving the ideas of my ancestors and the writers of scripture. So I have resolved to not profess identity in a term that has existed for centuries; I do desire to journey through this life asking existential questions and seeking the identity in who I am and how I exist with my creator, not in a story someone else created for me. 

If you have ever tried to step out of the norm for your inner circle, you know the feeling of being separated or disconnected in a greater way than most. When I struggled through figuring out who i was as a teenage or the last few years of college, I would neglect my ideas or feelings when I felt the disconnect was to strong to withhold. However, when you take a leap, separate yourself by choice, move to a new place, start over all by yourself and really get to know what solitude is, you realize that though the disconnect is painful, it is and will be one of the greatest things you ever experience. IT IS VITAL FOR SURVIVAL.  

When I was growing up, I had an incredible mentor that was full of wisdom and something she drilled into me has been reoccurring. She would say "you have to do the kitchen time before you can enjoy the table"; that may have seemed like an easy piece of advice or something that was doable, but as I have grown, the seasons of difficult mundane task seem like torture. I often dream of a way out, a way to cut the work short and reach for a reward that would be a tangible piece of happiness. However, it is not possible to skip a step and truly be successful or happy. The goal of attaining something great, is honorable; but we have to remember that happiness is not a destination of some place where struggles do not exist. I am not sure what exactly it looks like to accept reality and be comfortable in the kitchen, preparing for the day that I will feast in joy at the table. I feel as if walking in a place of contentment is necessary, but a balance of dreaming, pressing, working, and peace of reality is necessary for joy. I think it is key that we figure out how to let joy be something we choose even in the struggle of mundane and tedious life trials.

Fighting the fight to get life done, it is not the easiest that is for damn sure. It is  a race to survival, uncertainty, struggles, irritation, shit hole occurrences, ect. It pays off, right? Doing what we have to do everyday to be consistent in desires for who we want to be, living life in a way to find ourselves. We may most certainly change an evolve with time, but if we are consistent to remembering the disconnect is not always bad, solitude is beautiful, hard work has purpose, and one day after doing mounds of dishes, you will feast at the table an enjoy the beauty of LIFE. 

It is a Journey and a journey worth fighting for.

"There are moments when troubles enter our lives and we can do nothing to avoid them. But they are there for a reason. Only when we have overcome them will we understand why they were there."

~ Paulo Coelho

Fear of Being

Most of life in some way or another, we have all heard the saying "just be yourself", I know I have heard it and been the advocate for others to "just do it". It is funny now, as an adult it seems that it is unrealistic to truly be yourself. Going day to day, doing exactly what needs to be done, does not always allow for the appropriate space to just be. The just being that allows for you to live out passionate dreams, the real you that exist within, may not even fully exist inside because of the clutter of getting shit done. I am beyond thankful for the journey I have traveled on thus far, as well I am thankful for the job and position I currently fill.

There just seems to be the burden that weighs so heavy as you go through the day just surviving and not living. Most people would probably say I am crazy... Why, because I am doing the most, I am living in the eyes of others. My life is flourishing, and for that I could not be more thankful. I love the friends I have and the place I have found to exist, but in reality, I am not LIVING! Not Pam, not the dream... But I refuse to let it die. 

I have spent a lot of time lately feeling beat down by the survival race, I feel this life has become. It is impossible (in thought) to really just freely live as me, when I am trying desperately to just survive in all the obligations of the day.
 I spent a large portion of today fighting tears.. I was dreaming of the day I would get to just help and teach people about life. I want to help people see the joy in life, even when most circumstances say life is not worth living. The passion that is burning in my heart in the moment I mention doing something for someone that may make them feel, even if just for a moment someone cares for them enough to hope. 

The way days seem to pass by lately, I feel a bitterness that has overwhelmed my heart. I once felt compassionate and joyful, but now I feel angry and selfish. I want to be left alone, I want to hide, I run from those that love me the most. There is no wholeness and health found in bitterness, it burns away at my very soul identity.
 Today, it felt good to dream and drench the flame. I felt a bit of the bitterness wash away, even though I was still overwhelmed with the task of the day, I felt like I was going to make it. I began to reminisce over the moments I get when I do feel truly alive. 

I think that it was a valid lesson that will be one for the books.. We may have moments where we forget to breathe and feel like we can't go anymore, but if we just sit back and take a deep breath.. tell a story.. day dream.. remember the moments those dreams were real.. reflect on where you came from... conclusion, you are living, you are well, YOU ARE ALIVE. 

"I want to live, not merely survive
And I won't give up this dream
Of life that keeps me alive
I gotta be me, I gotta be me
The dream that I see makes me what I am"

'Plant a Garden'

When life is running so fast around you and you feel as if you have no purpose, it makes it really hard to hope in anything or even trust that there is an end to your tunnel, much less a light to be seen. The journey of life has a series of seasons that last different lengths of time, and have characteristics that all change from one to the next. Don't get me wrong, even some of the stormiest seasons contain a plethora of outcomes that show a beauty you may have never seen without the rain. We often feel as if we are drowning in the pain and discontentment of not knowing what is next, but sometimes our lungs just need to practice breathing in the pressure.

The last few years of my life have been immensely trying, but all in all, I must say that there has yet to be a season that has passed, without leaving rewards or remnants of memories that are to be treasured forever. The lessons we learn thorough out the journey are just pieces to the puzzle that helps create who we are. 

I recently physically made a physical transition to live in a new city. I took on the Big Ole' World and just moved. Transitioning to Houston, was an easy decision, because in many ways, I had created a life here. I had friends, I knew the routes, I was familiar with just being here; but what I did not anticipate, is that making that transition that it would open doors and be the light into showing me pieces of myself I had yet to identify.

I recently wrote on recognizing the importance of solitude and how beautiful that gift is, however, I was not anticipating to actually realize how much I loved being in that place; just cruising along, in the stillness, the quiet, the loneliness, the mundane and just being. I always thought I would be the one to always run and go, never settling, but I have come to realize, the Settle is crucial for who I am. I love routines, I like doing the same thing all the time, I did not realize how truly sentimental I am or how much I relied on my nature in being such a creature of habit. 

It is so strange coming from a mentality of thinking your life will never have solid roots, to feeling as if you are finally being planted in a way that gives you some actual security in a way that is tangible and sturdy. Moving to Houston did a work on much of my previous perspective of life and my expectations for what my life would look like. I spent the first few weeks spiraling into the abyss of tragic; but it was soon that the Lord, faintly reminded me of the desires I set for myself to pursue wholeness. Within those reminders, I knew that the road I took a sharp left turn on needed to END soon before I fell too far. 

I have been tired of the puppy analogy always chasing something new and never just being. Being has become a real part of who I am on the Journey to Wholeness, and I LOVE it.  

As the season in Houston opened, I had many expectations of what it could possibly look like, but as I sit back and look at what it has become I could not be more thankful for the Grace that I have been given or for the task that I have been entrusted.

Many days I feel incompetent and incapable of doing the task at hand, but I know that there is reason and there is hope. For what seems like the first time in life, even though it doesn't all make sense and there are many errors in my day to day, I finally feel Home. I feel as if I am in a place where I can have life, I can breathe, I can just be. SELAH :)

There may be parts of this that seem as if I have it together, but the reality of it is, I have not arrived, I have lots of growing to do and that excites me :) But what I have right now is, peace that I am not alone, security in knowing that solitude is a tangible gift that overpowers the weakness of loneliness, and courage to know that no matter how incompetent I feel, I will make it, I just have to take it one step at a time. 

When we trust in the dreams and the direction, even if that means we are kicking and screaming in the waiting, we will see the light, we will see the little patch of soil of what we may call home and begin to plant a garden.

Just let yourself breathe, stretch your lungs, let your heart grow stronger in the heart ache, just know that the soil we have when we trust the Lord, he will grow you and show you just where home is.. 

Psalm 43:3 Send your light and truth—those will guide me!

    Let them bring me to your holy mountain,

        to your dwelling place.

Disclaimer: not saying that Houston is my home forever.... But the Peace of mind of just being, is HOME!

The Heights

Simultaneously I feel the wholeness and brokenness life seems to offer..  Driven with the desire to explore the unknown, I never thought I'd feel comfort in a dream I'm living right now. I've spent my life wanting to journey through the world,  gaining eyes and ears to see and hear in ways unknown to my own life. Today as I sit outside,  wandering what exactly I'm doing,  I realize it doesn't really matter because all we  have is time to explore.  Time to explore the things of life: love,  art,  music, desire... So many things the universe has to offer.  I've waited so long to feel this,  I thought it would look different and I had surprisingly unrealistic expectations,  but as I experience the authenticity of the unknown,  I realize this is it.. This is the adventure.. Spending time seeking identity and desiring wholeness,  I thought there would be tangible gifts that had a different form from what I now see.. The real gift I've been given,  is comfort of solitude.. Solitude has taken a form of tangible goodness that I appreciate more than I ever knew I could. Wandering in the wilderness,  I see the beauty of creation in a mesmerizing way.  Everything in the present  should leave me with a feeling of lonliness and confusion,  but somehow I feel the peace of creation.  The peace that exist when we rest in the unknown.. Trying to figure out comfort in a way that's inclusive of change and rest is beautiful.. Though comfort and change seem mutually exclusive,  I find today that there is an inclusive relationship between  the two.  As change has occurred everything I know says,  broken and lonliness is knocking,  but when I look and take in reality,  I realize I'm comforted  by the journey.