Fear of Weakness

Among the various rules Jeremy Taylor has, the one that comes easiest for me has to be the thirteenth rule that says: “take an active part in the praising of others, entertaining their good with delight”. This rule is easiest for me because, I take joy in praising others or encouraging them with words. I believe that the affirmation of words are vital to the confidence we all have, so if there is a way I could help make someone feel better or have just a bit more confidence, I want to do whatever that is, and it is often just a simple praise for their good.

The hardest rule of them all has to be the seventeenth rule: “give God thanks for every weakness, fault and imperfection you have”. Praising God for my weakness is almost unfathomable, I know that when we are weak he is strong, but the reality of embracing the fact that I am continually with fault is sickening. I hate the pride that I carry around as I desire to be righteous enough on my own power. It is hard to ‘nurse humility’ when you fear so much to be weak. 

Trials-Endurance

James 1:2-4, “Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete lacking nothing.”

Within the first few words of this passage, I find it hard sometimes to not get angry. Taking joy in a trial seems so barbaric in first thought… Who wants to rejoice in suffering? I know that is not my first thought when times are hard. Testing is hard; even naturally as one grows there is pain. But continuing through these few lines, the hope of a production of endurance is promised as faith is tested. Then I wonder, what is this endurance for, just to go through harder times? Then you get to the latter section of this passage and the endurance produced through the testing of faith will have a perfect result so that we may be perfect and lack nothing. After reading these few verses several times, I am still left to wonder why it is that we must rejoice in these trials to have endurance to continue and be perfected lacking nothing, for I am guessing what would be the next trial. I have not had a peaceful heart reading through these scriptures, but I have only prayed that the Lord may guide my heart to see a future hope, so that I may endure with joy through this trial as well as the ones to come.

Community

Being a part of Christianity is “means community in and through Jesus Christ”. Bonhoeffer states that community in a genuine and deep way helps us work together and do the work of Jesus Christ. It is vital to the Christian Walk to be in community, it is actually seemingly impossible to function in a healthy way without community. The last few months I have seen the vitality of needing others to successfully see the fullness of walking with and in Jesus Christ. Trying to walk as a Christian alone without interaction with others is hard and discouraging. I have fought for years trying to recognize the ideology of what brotherhood/community in Jesus Christ really looked like, but I realized I was looking to create something that is actually the reality of something God himself created so that we may participate in Christ. My prayer recently is that I may find the reality functioning in the community God created in Christ so that I may have the same love and compassion for his people. I see that we need to work together to help carry each other’s burdens and being readily available and diligent to encourage one another continually. 

Affectionate Religion

My spiritual passion for Christ has to impact and motivate my studies at ETBU, more often than not. I so often am so overwhelmed by school and the pressures of being involved that there is no way without the joy and strength of the Lord, that I would be able to make it through each day. The way my heart is engaged with the Lord has a major impact on how I am able to walk through each week. 

I thoroughly enjoy the way Jonathan Edwards articulates the integration of doctrine and religious affections. I came to college with a lot of religious affections towards emotions, but not a lot of doctrine, much less an application of religious affections to doctrine. As I have spent time at ETBU, it has been challenging, yet beautiful, to see how the Lord has molded me and is continually molding me to have an understanding of that very integration. With words of wisdom, just like from Jonathan Edwards, many men and women have encouraged me to gain virtues by pursuing spiritual disciplines. Pursuing theology with affections of the Lord is a beautiful opportunity for growth! I have learned that if I hunger and thirst for Righteousness, I will only be satisfied with the Lord. And he promises in His word if we seek him we will find him; and I believe that as I seek him in everyday life that my studies and spirit will continue to reap from that. I desire for the pursuit of the Lord to produce affectionate religion; a way of life that is undoubtedly affected by the Holy Spirits input in my education, my activities, as well as my dedication to the Lord and how I love people.

Matthew 5:6 "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled."

Solitude

What is solitude? When does the noise stop? If it is not someone or something else causing something of chaos; our own inner thoughts can be the loudest, most difficult distraction we ever encounter. Beyond the fear of being alone with myself, I do not know how to just sit… I find myself fidgety or talking to God, even if it is not self-centered, it still feels as if I am missing something because I am not just listening. The same thing happens when I am reading the Bible; I will find myself reading but then convicted, because I am not just sitting in solitude listening and waiting for the Holy Spirit to give direction.

This morning as I was sitting in the quiet empty sanctuary at Friendship Baptist Church, and I began to pray for the coming service and the people who would be attending; it was a beautiful experience to go before the Father God, declaring his word over his people. After a few minutes of praying specifically for that congregation and service, I tried to just be quiet to listen; but I found myself beginning to pray again or rummaging through scripture, just reading random verses. I never could just be still….

For at least five minutes, I began to sulk, because I am not good at solitude; I began to take on a failure mentality. But praise God he is sovereign and he loves us enough to meet us in the very place where we are weak. I may not have been successful at my expectation of solitude today, but the Lord did not withhold himself from me. As I read scripture God was faithful to show himself and give me the exact words to pray over the service and the people’s hearts.

Henri J. M. Nouwen, says solitude is one of the most powerful disciplines in developing a prayerful life; and I agree with him entirely. I also agree with him as he shows how difficult solitude may be, because of the chaos of the many things surrounding us, as well as our own inner thoughts.  Being consumed as egomaniacs, there is a separation from understanding we are not the most important topic of conversation; however, when solitude is experienced a deeper place of encountering God is ultimate for spiritual growth.

Instead of taking on the failure mentality, I will choose to know that it is a daily process of growth, and trust in God’s character, he is loving and kind and compassionate on his children. Psalm 103:8 “The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in loving-kindness.”

Virtue vs. Vice

From day to day, I find myself weaker in different things or stronger in areas where I was previously weak. Daily, I find myself in need of one or more of the virtues I am weak in, whether that is humility, simplicity, contentment, peace, moderation, joy or strength.  Today, I am in need of the virtue of moderation. This past summer I experienced the darkest of night I have ever encountered and it lasted for what seemed a really long season. It was vital to my walk as a Christian, but in the midst of the darkness, I could not see the beauty of what the Lord was doing and it hurt; but I am so thankful for that experience and know that there will be other seasons where I need a dark night to grow deeper into a spiritual relationship with the King of the Universe. Since the cloud of darkness has been in process of being uplifted, I find myself walking in a joy that is strengthening and encouraging; but I also have found myself being gluttonous in some areas. Daily, I have to ask the Lord to have control, because I do not want to get lost in my own walks and self-disciplines that are for my own inner peace and not his glory. I desire to know the Lord in a more intimate way, but I do not want to become warped in spiritual gluttony seeking self-consolation. I am so thankful that God is divine in his wisdom and knows how to discipline his children and helps us grow, even if that means a night of darkness.

1 Corinthians 11:32, “But when we are judged, we are disciplined by the Lord so that we will not be condemned along with the world.”

Spiritual Discipline

Reading Stuart's post in response to Dallas Willard, was entirely convicting. Stuart gives an incredible account of what verse 42 means of giving up 'self'. Today, I was faced with what it means to give up myself and doing things for other people. I never really find myself not doing the things I am asked to do, but the manner in which I do them are not always glorifying to the Lord. As I read through Stuart's post, I must agree that it is entirely difficult to give up self. I continuously start statements with "I" and everything is about how "I" feel or think. But within that selfishness, today I realized that I was lacking the evidence of some spiritual fruits. Kindness was far from my thoughts; and that saddens me to know that I am so concerned with my time and feeling that for just a few hours I can not just be prepared to intentionally be focused on someone else. As I recognized these things today, it was humbling to have to be corrected by the word of the Lord; 
Philippians 2:14-16, "Do all things without grumbling or disputing; so that you will prove yourself to be blameless and innocent, children of God above reproach in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you appear as lights in the world, holding fast the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I will have reason to glory because I did not run in vain or toil in vain."