In the belly of a Great Fish

Jonah 2:2 "I called out of my distress to the Lord, And He answered me. I cried for help from the depth of Sheol; You heard my voice…"

4:11 "Should I not have compassion on Nineveh, the great city in which there are more than 120,00 persons who do not know the difference between their right an left hand, as well as many animals."

As I sit this morning, I realize, I have not given thanks to the Lord for salvation near enough. 

It seems that we get to a place where we are Free an we forget to be thankful for the freedom, we so quickly forget where we came from an even more drastically what we came through. I was oppressed, broken, suffocated, damaged, and trapped; of which I mostly brought on myself.  

As I flip through scripture an just pause to read Jonah, I started squalling like an infant. In disobedience rooted in fear, I ran from the presence of the Lord, I wanted to handle all of everything on my own. I did not have time to wait in vulnerability to allow him to show me a way or give me understanding or peace in the unknown. I refused to follow a call when I did not have control, because I thought I had my own plans all sorted out.. (JOKE) 

I'm sure I read Jonah several times growing up, and I've probably quoted the plot 5X's more than I ever thought to read it; but a friend recently directed me to Jonah an I read it and saw so many relevant truths in what I had recently been talking about or writing. But today as I fell into Jonah, I was taken by a vision of seeing the pit of my own fish that I recently was expelled from. That may be dramatic, but I spent quite some time the last few years in a pit, that smelled worse than any fish I've ever smelt, it was dark, slimy, an just a slippery mess. There was no way I could pull myself out. I am not clear on the time line for when Jonah went in the wale, to when Jonah cried up to the Lord; but I know it took me a long time. When I think of it now, in my experience, I feel like Dory an Marlin in Finding Nemo, I was quick to call for help, but I was still holding on to the inside of the Wale, because I was so afraid of the journey up.

How crazy is that, who is scared of the journey up? Up means better, right? Jonah's  cry out to the Lord, was so personable an so sincere, he knew the Lord heard him from the depth. In the pit Jonah's prayer did not include a plethora of empty promises, Jonah just declared the truth of who the Lord was an cried out to remember the Lord and give him praise for salvation.

I was so afraid of not being able to make enough promises to righteousness while I was in the belly, I saw no point in crying out to the Lord; I had nothing to offer him. But over time, I began to understand the Lord did not desire empty promises to righteousness from me; he knows he is the only one that is righteous. The Lord God just wanted me to see that salvation is from him, an he could free me. I feel that many of us stay so broken and lost in the pits of darkness, afraid to call out, because we are stuck in this mindset that we have to be "right" to be with the Lord... That is so ridiculous, and just a continual journey in bondage.

After time, I finally cried out, for I realized it was nothing I could do to climb out of that belly, but the Lord himself was gracious an he is the one who is righteous and brings salvation. When I was finally expelled from the fish, it has not been an instant adapting to the main land. I still feel vulnerable to sun light, people, heck even fresh air. 

I often feel like Jonah when he finally follows the Lord to Nineveh. Mostly confused because it is baffling to know that there is a gracious God there willing to relent. It seems so hard to grasp the very thing Jonah cries out, "I knew that You are gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abundant in loving kindness, and one who relents concerning calamity". I remember series of events that got me into the belly of the whale, one of which being I did not follow suit walking in the understanding of the need to tell of the love of God. I did not understand His grace (Let's be real, I still do not understand on any scholarly level, psst on most levels), I did not understand the urgency to just love and forgive, walking in a peace of repentance to just turn to the Lord.

I've been pained with the stories lately from friends that are crying out, "why can't we just love each other.. who cares, who they are or how they live, that's not our business, let's just love.." But like Jonah before he was swallowed by the wale, most of us have our own agenda. It seems many "Christians" think it is there responsibility to convict, they say that's them loving because they are burdened for someone's soul.... what that is, is a tragic excuse to allow yourself an others to continue living in bondage. It is our responsibility to be particular about our God and being particular about God is to show love, that is who he is.. It is not our job to persecute or stay silent when the Lord leads us. Be the voice that brings hope of the one that is compassionate and gracious to save. 

I have to rejoice that I may see this story of Jonah alive, because I pray that I do not sit outside of the city gates angry with the Lord's loving kindness and grace; but however I pray that I may embrace the Lord as he Loves those who do not know and shows compassion on his people.. "For they do not know". I want to be angry at so many people for not loving each other or for walking in arrogance and hate, I get passionately frustrated because I do not comprehend how the Lord still shows compassion on those who hurt or reject others; but I realize I myself am guilty of making my own choice to love some an eh, not so much some others... I get caught up forgetting where I was, but I have to remember once, I was in the belly of a great fish, and the Lord heard my cry.

The Journey of Excuses

Preface:
1. I need to read more: In desperate need of a Larger VOCABULARY 
2. I like List (Sorry)
3. I like to write as if I am having a casual conversation with my best friend

"Excuses never foster the outcome of productivity, they only stunt the growth that is required to extend us into the next season.."

I've spent a lot of my life making excuses for various decisions that need to be made, never launching myself into the next step... It's easier to see some areas were we make excuses, than it is others.. I can point out real quick when I fail to do anything different about exercising or my love for a good ole' coke! But, when it gets real, you know like some deep vulnerability, HELL naw, I'm gonna run with Flags of excuses flying HIGH. My favorite excuse "I ain't got time for that"... Yeah, what I need to remember is I ain't got time to be stuck in a tragic whirl wind of crazy because I'm afraid of 'a little ole effort'.... 

When I found comfort in companionship (even though completely UNHEALTHY and TOXIC), I made a way to have time for every excuse imaginable.. Excuses that almost destroyed my friendships, my family ties, even my life itself... To be so fond of thinking I don't have time, I put a lot effort into trying to destroy myself an everything that meant something to me. 

The time an effort I spent in trying to have "hope" in some sort of toxic comfort, finally one day came to an end.. The time to stop making excuses for reasons to pursue anything healthy.. I was so desperate to know what it was like to feel whole without constantly finding excuses back in to the comfort of instability. Crazy to think someone finds comfort in instability, but it is so very easy when it is all you ever know. You find yourself starting a lot of sentences with, "but, I". I always wondered why I was so quick to make excuses that placed my life in grave danger, living on a constant downward slope to epic fail; then I realize there are a plethora of reason that made making excuses to ride that downward slope into the river of instability.

1. Familiarity is a B*T*H
2. It's so much easier to do the same thing (familiarity)
3. It's easy to keep people close, when you know how to control them
4. Unstable people make for good companions, in the ole' comfort of instability
5. Doing something different is not the easier road to travel

Finally coming to a place to see so many of the unhealthy excuses I continuously made, only came after  slamming on the breaks so hard, I broke. 

Breaking into a thousand pieces, requires a great deal of work in the process for repair. I realized so many things about myself when examining various aspects of my life, an it would be entirely impossible to go into detail about everything.. But in this blog, we are discussing excuses.. One thing I realized in seeing those jumbled pieces of broken mess, was I spent way to much time enabling myself to make excuses for codependent relationships: A. I liked having something familiar B. That meant I had some kind of Control (FALSE).  I knew when I was going to be put back together, I wanted to pursue a life not full of codependent, irrational relationships. The history of codependent relationships, date back in my life, to like the embryo.... :P 

I have definitely not arrived to 100% of fullness in the comfort to not be irrational seeking familiar things.. But with the help of the Lord and incredible friends with their heads screwed on right, I've come a long way.
In those relationships, excuses don't fly.... I am accountable to the Lord and people in my life, knowing that I am better than living a string of excuses that lead to the river of instability. 

There is a line to a song that is so relevant in helping me have a great deal of respect for not even making excuses for the past: "I do not have time to think about these regrets". During this growth process, I often wanted to try to make excuses for the whys an hows of the past, allowing that to keep me stuck in the past. But, that is not the answer, staying stuck in making excuses an giving power to the regrets of the past is not walking in wholeness... However, it is productive to shout to the roof tops, "I am worth it", "I deserve peace", "I deserve wholeness". 
Sometimes I find myself walking in the old excuse mentality, making excuses for the familiar an it sneaks up on me way to often in subtle ways. The excuses start light, thinking about making excuses to not quit smoking, to not exercise, to not do this or that, then the next thing you know I am uncomfortable in my own skin an I make excuses for people to creep in my life. The greatest thing I can say is that I am finally capable of recognizing it, I am able to see it coming an take a step back, to keep from sliding into the danger zone of where the slope starts. 

None of this blog may make sense to anyone, but it is a bunch of jumbled things going on in my mind. I really like saying "I ain't got time" for a lot of things that mean nothing; but find it so easy to make excuses for the epic failure moments... I'm taking a pact with myself, the Lord an a few close to me, (I guess those who read this), to stop being so dramatic an passionate about the things that don't matter, while making excuses for the things that are so harmful.... I ain't got time to go back to the place of codependency, irrationality, brokenness or the misery that exist there. No more excuses, I want to grow, I want to continue seeing greater and brighter things in the world... 

Let's Go....

 I want nothing more than to be able to sit down and get on paper the many things that go on in my head; but that is WAY harder than it seems. You'd think I could just start writing an it be all dandy, but that is a big NEGATIVE. With feelings of inadequacy to the depth of fears from a plethora of categories, something just keeps me from being open an honest in a written form.

As time flies by, life goes on, people change, friends come an go; but some things only grow......
It was over two years ago since I last posted anything; and those post were only for school..
Today as I have spent time reading through all of the post, I am overwhelmed with memories.

The journey I have been on the last few years is almost like an imaginary tale; I think back, "did that really happen?"..

This is not a post to tell you the story in grave details all of the interesting things that happened in the last two years... But the is the pre- post of many thoughts that I will share from the journey that I traveled and honestly still traveling.. I have not arrived to some fancy place of perfection (that ain't reality for anyone). I have reached the season in this journey however that is far brighter than some past experiences. I'm curious to see where I am going, finding the places I belong in different seasons...

Reality is there is one truth that got me through and will get me through, the Lord is always with me: in the pit, in the palm of his hand, with my back facing him, with my stank face on, in my tears, in my rejoicing, everywhere.


I could sit an quote scripture, conversations and quotes, that help me make it through the day, but that will take too long an likely come in various things i share in the future... however, I will set a tone to an understanding of what I know of myself this far:
1. I love the Lord (in the best way I know how to love)
2. I make mistakes everyday: i smoke, i eat too much, i gossip, i yell, i don't like some people (an I so have NO poker face)
3. I have a best friend or 2 :) they help make days brighter
4. I love having conversations in my head an then torturing others with the details
5. I believe that every single thing created was created for COMMUNITY
6. Organized Religion often makes me ANGRY; but I like structure/order
7. Fellowship makes my heart overwhelmed with JOY
8. Being in a room with people that allow me to say F*** and JESUS in the same sentence, is a place I feel at home (hey if God is who most of us claim him to be, he knows what I was thinking anyway)...
9. People who use Biblical text to hurt someone intentionally make me want to vomit
10. I enjoy the comfort of being Real (but often TERRIFIED of Vulnerability)

Even when I've journeyed to the depths of the pit or stood in the midst of a storm sulking, the God I have hope in has given me reason to sing; He never gave up on me, never leaving me...

Fear of Weakness

Among the various rules Jeremy Taylor has, the one that comes easiest for me has to be the thirteenth rule that says: “take an active part in the praising of others, entertaining their good with delight”. This rule is easiest for me because, I take joy in praising others or encouraging them with words. I believe that the affirmation of words are vital to the confidence we all have, so if there is a way I could help make someone feel better or have just a bit more confidence, I want to do whatever that is, and it is often just a simple praise for their good.

The hardest rule of them all has to be the seventeenth rule: “give God thanks for every weakness, fault and imperfection you have”. Praising God for my weakness is almost unfathomable, I know that when we are weak he is strong, but the reality of embracing the fact that I am continually with fault is sickening. I hate the pride that I carry around as I desire to be righteous enough on my own power. It is hard to ‘nurse humility’ when you fear so much to be weak. 

Trials-Endurance

James 1:2-4, “Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete lacking nothing.”

Within the first few words of this passage, I find it hard sometimes to not get angry. Taking joy in a trial seems so barbaric in first thought… Who wants to rejoice in suffering? I know that is not my first thought when times are hard. Testing is hard; even naturally as one grows there is pain. But continuing through these few lines, the hope of a production of endurance is promised as faith is tested. Then I wonder, what is this endurance for, just to go through harder times? Then you get to the latter section of this passage and the endurance produced through the testing of faith will have a perfect result so that we may be perfect and lack nothing. After reading these few verses several times, I am still left to wonder why it is that we must rejoice in these trials to have endurance to continue and be perfected lacking nothing, for I am guessing what would be the next trial. I have not had a peaceful heart reading through these scriptures, but I have only prayed that the Lord may guide my heart to see a future hope, so that I may endure with joy through this trial as well as the ones to come.

Community

Being a part of Christianity is “means community in and through Jesus Christ”. Bonhoeffer states that community in a genuine and deep way helps us work together and do the work of Jesus Christ. It is vital to the Christian Walk to be in community, it is actually seemingly impossible to function in a healthy way without community. The last few months I have seen the vitality of needing others to successfully see the fullness of walking with and in Jesus Christ. Trying to walk as a Christian alone without interaction with others is hard and discouraging. I have fought for years trying to recognize the ideology of what brotherhood/community in Jesus Christ really looked like, but I realized I was looking to create something that is actually the reality of something God himself created so that we may participate in Christ. My prayer recently is that I may find the reality functioning in the community God created in Christ so that I may have the same love and compassion for his people. I see that we need to work together to help carry each other’s burdens and being readily available and diligent to encourage one another continually. 

Affectionate Religion

My spiritual passion for Christ has to impact and motivate my studies at ETBU, more often than not. I so often am so overwhelmed by school and the pressures of being involved that there is no way without the joy and strength of the Lord, that I would be able to make it through each day. The way my heart is engaged with the Lord has a major impact on how I am able to walk through each week. 

I thoroughly enjoy the way Jonathan Edwards articulates the integration of doctrine and religious affections. I came to college with a lot of religious affections towards emotions, but not a lot of doctrine, much less an application of religious affections to doctrine. As I have spent time at ETBU, it has been challenging, yet beautiful, to see how the Lord has molded me and is continually molding me to have an understanding of that very integration. With words of wisdom, just like from Jonathan Edwards, many men and women have encouraged me to gain virtues by pursuing spiritual disciplines. Pursuing theology with affections of the Lord is a beautiful opportunity for growth! I have learned that if I hunger and thirst for Righteousness, I will only be satisfied with the Lord. And he promises in His word if we seek him we will find him; and I believe that as I seek him in everyday life that my studies and spirit will continue to reap from that. I desire for the pursuit of the Lord to produce affectionate religion; a way of life that is undoubtedly affected by the Holy Spirits input in my education, my activities, as well as my dedication to the Lord and how I love people.

Matthew 5:6 "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled."