Ipseity

When accused of being a particular way, that we find offensive, we must then question; are we offended by a possible truth or are we rightfully offended by a wrongful accusation. Recently, I was accused by a very trusted friend that I am not "whole"... Because of the source, I had to really step back and questions this very accusation. This trusted companion is smart, reliable and trustworthy.. In the moment I stepped back to analyze this accusation to determine, am I whole?  am I to be rightfully convicted by such intense words or am I "whole"?  Through searching even for a second, I realized... I felt more Whole than ever before. In that moment, vulnerable and accused I realized, I have accepted the darkness within. 

"How can I be substantial if I do not cast a shadow? I must have a dark side also If I am to be whole" 

- C.G. Jung 

For so long religion taught me to repent of the darkness... Surrender all fears and anxieties unto the Lord and all will be made well... For over 10 years of pursuing such ideals of a "letting go and let God" faith, it only led to a regret of my own identity..

At first well maybe actually over time that I'd try to "let go and let God", I'd feel 'peace', but then the fear, anxiety all the little darkness would creak back in an all I was left with was condemnation. A reality that I wasn't doing it right or I was just a "dark" human.... The darkness was still alive. 

Over the last year, I have made many life changes. One realizing "letting go an letting God" was not going to be the cure for my darkness. Through much self reflection and realization, I started to do things different; but even in doing things a little different I was still trying to overcome my darkness... But here I sit today, knowing the darkness is within me.

& I Feel ALIVE! 

For being such a control freak, the irony in seeing how often I surrender control is phenomenal. People unknowingly are given control over me day in an day out. Most often surrender control is not known or desired by the party I later blame for some form of hurt. 

9 months ago I was directed to start analyzing things I could control and things I could not control. As I began to take baby steps towards making changes for myself, changing my lifestyle in ways that may have seemed minor but were really life altering matters. Life altering in the healthiest way. With so many external changes of control, internally I still could not overcome the darkness.

But as I experienced a day recently, where I was decently content with my surroundings, my choices, my life.... I almost handed it all over in a moment of surrendering control to someone who did not ask for it... But in that moment I realized I did not need to surrender to a negative feeling, I didn't need to control an external circumstance.. 

Then.. Then it hit me.. After all of this the true healing, the true peace, true wholeness is found when we accept our darkness. 

That moment we realize that the darkness and light within exist together, we are whole. 

I often struggle with anxiety... My inquisitive nature leads me to depths of unnecessary pain. I feel as if I'm often at war inside of myself trying to shut out the irrational and pretending it doesn't exist, it comes back with vengeance. But realizing that I have the power to accept that I do live with anxiety, fears, doubts and some insecurities... I am fully alive. 

"I still panic sometimes, forget to breathe, but I know that there's something beautiful in my imperfections..." -Crazy Beautiful 

Ambiguity of a Gypsy

Do you ever question what it is you "want" in life? What you want for dinner? What do you want to do for a career? Who do you want to love? What you want to do next? 

It's the question that plagues many of us to complacently without pursuit of the goodness life has to offer. The openness to life's options are beautiful, however to ever truly experience anything you have to let curiosity turn to action that leads the way one direction to the next. Often it seems we always want a shortcut and hate back tracking or circling around, but sometimes it's so worth it. Just last week I was in the French Quarter in New Orleans, it was HOT and humid making it less desirable to "circle back" for anything. However, reality is you can't see everything the first go. I feel life is often the same way, it's easy to just go somewhere and live in the ambiguity but sometimes plans and desires need to lead the way. Living life so close minded to think caring for someone or something always means neglecting the open options the world has to offer, is tragic.

I am often very determined and diligent with my day and know that goals usually give purpose an meaning greater than I am alone. Even though I usually know what I "want" from the day I know that sometimes the course changes and other options are available and that's ok... it's nice to be consistent and let life lead you in an organic path to beauty. It's important to make a decision that leads somewhere though, where options to arise and course does change, where your plans may evolve. Staying in the same place is lonely and familiar, it's not as enriching if you don't see the evolution of life. Decisions and choices have to be made, we have to start somewhere with a plan to go someplace or we would never leave bed. We'd never meet that new person... 

It took several years for me to abandon the idea that was drilled into me as a child, "just trust God, he'll do it"... That gets us no where; decisions, desires, feelings, admitting our "wants", now that gets us somewhere. 

I think that negative associations and negative language get us in the most trouble. When we choose to love someone and choose to do daily life with them it's not that we are closing off our feelings to something else we are just pursuing something different in this moment. This moment may not be forever, or the something different may not always be the same.. It's intriguing to see how much we evolve over time when we really let ourselves feel and be free to dream beyond a norm. Evolution has guided us and directed us to this place, so what's next? What do you want? Where's your growth going to sprout from? 

Knowing what I want is a loaded questions, many people find it hard to want or care for anything... I however, want all the things, I want to grow and love everyone, I want to see the world, I want security, yet I want to hold on to being a Gypsy and dreaming of possibilities!! I think one thing Christianity taught me that I will cling to is "How do I want to start my day?" Today I want the man I love to come home and have dinner with me, today I want to make someone smile, today I want to learn something new, today I want to remember the past in a way that produces hope for the future, today I want to see beyond myself. Those things are vital for me. I'm not sure exactly what I will want tomorrow but I will decide tomorrow!

All in all I think being committed to the day is the path this Gyspy must be on to flow with the security of evolving and what ever that may be... I believe I can chose to love without missing an opportunity, I believe I can choose a path without missing out, change is rarely void of good.. Letting go of our fears to hold on to the good as we know today what we want and make decisions to grow, life will blossom. 

Today I want This! 

"The future is no more uncertain than the present."

Walt Whitman

Purpose

Have you ever considered what your purpose is or what drives the cause? Today as I sit, ill and weak, I wonder what  is purpose and if I really have significant purpose. I mean, what really do we have to do? Why do we exist? We can make decisions that effect us in various ways and chose paths of all kinds... But then what? I wonder why do we wake up to keep going with the grind of life, to end up where. 

I've always been a social butterfly and a person capable of working a room... I somehow demand all the attention without even realizing my reality. But as of lately, I find myself wanting to drown in the background with no significant addition to conversation. I'm not sure what value any of us add. It seems we are never satisfied. With moments of what seems like happiness or pure joy, does it last? No. Moments are fleeting.

It's interesting, one of the first steps in building the foundation of a business or organization, is making a purpose statement... A reason for existing.. Is purpose defined by what is or what could be? I feel it's the question of the day. Today my purpose is... But what about tomorrow or yesterday for that matter. 

If purpose is to succinctly capture why something exist and what it hopes to do, I feel I have failed the first portion and therefore on a mission to find something but without a fundamental understanding of existence will purpose ever be held??

I'm curious to know why I exist. It's heartwarming for many religious groups to find there fundamental meaning of existence in their God... And for this that is all well and good, but what if you feel disconnected with your creator? What if you believe that you exist from oblivion? Then what.. 

Beating Hearts

This past week, by the gift of my mother, I had an experience of a life time. As I boarded a ship to sail away for days, I hoped to sail away from my mind and all the struggles daily life seems to offer. But as the week progressed, I was able to do nothing but think and meditate on the beauty of wise wisdom spoken by many who surrounded me.

When life presents you with trials that seem as if you will break under the pressure, often we are reminded of the beauty offered even in tragedy. It is rare that in the midst of turmoil we are able to see the hope of tomorrow, but it is there. I have a character flaw when it comes to patience, it's as if I am void of any ability to wait on anything. I feel crippled by inability to grasp and idea or concept, leaving me pessimistic and hard. But as I was at sea with many beautifully wise people, I learned a lot of fundamental life lessons. Hearing the stories and struggles of those much older and wiser, gave me a hope I have neglected. We live in a "right now" culture, crippling us from the ability to hope and wait. We have so many instant gratifications, we do not even have patience to wait on the internet to load, much less wait on the gifts of tomorrows wisdom. 

I've always had a passion and desire to have grey hair,  and I want it now... This week I saw the wisdom of grey haired individuals and heard the stories of how they came to,  and it made me hope...  There's possibility we meet people to gain hope not to have an intimate knowledge of the exact story but have an intimate acquaintance with a hope that we may one day be able to tell a similar story full of wisdom.  

I'm not sure any of the beautiful people this week may know the impact and mark they left on my heart,  but something happened in that time that stirred me... 

Time at sea did not end in a room full of wisdom,  but two days I stepped off the ship into cultures that taught me something  new about Life as well. Through the adventure,  I realized how different we all are and how different our standards are..  There is beauty in simplicity,  a reminder of what is important. The beating  hearts of those around us,  they matter... We get so caught up in greed and shiny things that we forget the simple things,  the beauty in playing barefoot in a field with those who matter most. 

I met a beautiful little boy in Belize that stirred a passion in my heart like no other,  he taught me about life and about death.  He and his brother literally showed us healing in plants and death in a cemetery.  There was such power in the gentleness as he grabbed my hand and walked me around a beautiful church  where his mother worked... Moments before this gentle spirit touched me,  I was burdened to tears by poverty that I saw all around me,  but with his touch and the wisdom of my best friend I saw that he was richer than anyone I ever knew..  Simplicity is enriching.  

From the beating  heart of a child to the wisdom of the grey hairs on those who sailed away with me,  I remember to hope for the beating hearts.

Dreaming

I recently read a blog that really read me. This line, "I write to breathe again"...  It's the honest truth that's vital to me living. I have  been writing emotion and thoughts in various ways since I was little,  as a teenager I would write in code,  hiding my emotions and thoughts behind the identity of a fictional character. But as time has progressed I've seen many seasons of writing style and ideas. I went through a season where I thought I had to write everything in the form of a conversation to God in this manner of perfection,  bleeding onto paper this false reality of beautiful selflessness...  Now,  now I wrote the truth..  My confusion,  bitterness,  bitchiness, my love,  my hope, my fear.... Tonight I want to dream. I've thought a lot lately of the meaning of life and where hope comes from or the things that destroy hope.  Circumstances have been trying on my hope  for humanity,  but nights like tonight dreaming with family,  the kind of family that chooses to love you,  even though your dna doesn't match...  the dreaming with those kinda people is beautiful.. 
Life often chokes us with the rotten taste of Bullshit and it's hard to focus or remember the good... But dreaming,  it helps remind us of the treasures life has to offer. Just a glimpse of something worth hoping for or dreaming in, has power to help get the bitter taste out of our mouths. Thank goodness for the friendships with beautiful people that are comfortable with you at the lowest points,  because the excitement comes with a moment of the taste of goodness,  only adds to the joy you can experience in those moments. 
Experiencing  the beauty of dreaming and remembering that "I write to breathe again",  this moment comes to life and gives me reason to smile.  I can breathe,  I can breathe and taste,  tasting something other than the Bullshit is desirable. The Bullshit doesn't get to just disappear,  but just the sweetness that comes with dreaming,  reminds me that today and all the gross circumstances that put the nasty taste in my mouth isn't the only taste available. 

No Filter

This will be the most random of the blogs yet. It is a collaboration of lessons and ideas from the last few months. 

I have waited my whole life to be appreciated as being a Bitch and mostly just a Smart Ass. But with the confirmation and acceptance, maybe I went overboard.

We should feel a bit of remorse with negative energy. There should be thought put in and effort used when we are positioning things that we say out loud. 

Overall I am entirely an irrational human being. I jump to conclusions, speak before I think, cause division with unnecessary motives and cause schism where there may have been no issue. 

There are times in life where irrationality is not frowned upon, because it is a bit spontaneous; however 8 times out of 10, that is not the case. There is need for thinking about what we do or say. 

The journey of figuring out who we want to be or what makes us comfortable, is a life long journey that seems never ending.... well that's because it doesn't end as long as you are breathing. I have asked the question a lot lately, "what makes you happy". When will I feel content in what I am doing or where I am. 

Sometimes the weight of the struggle in identifying who we are is 1,000 times more than the weight we can bear. I believe this is why there is need for some sort of psychological hope. 

I have been struggling to find my psychological hope the last few months I have a deep reverence for God and do not want to abuse the comfort that is given in believing in who He is, if I am incapable of acknowledging all of His story. His story is beauty and the story of the creation itself... Whether it be a computer simulation we live in or a real authentic rock we live on, there is still a Creator and I believe in that power bigger than who I am. Most of my life I have found my identity in a western cultural norm, proclaiming and professing Christianity. But it pains me to proclaim an identity, when there is so much confusion and loss wrapped in many ideas and theories that build the foundation to the identifying term. Finding the balance or seeing God without Jesus is nearly impossible in my thought process, however there is depth to the struggle in receiving the ideas of my ancestors and the writers of scripture. So I have resolved to not profess identity in a term that has existed for centuries; I do desire to journey through this life asking existential questions and seeking the identity in who I am and how I exist with my creator, not in a story someone else created for me. 

If you have ever tried to step out of the norm for your inner circle, you know the feeling of being separated or disconnected in a greater way than most. When I struggled through figuring out who i was as a teenage or the last few years of college, I would neglect my ideas or feelings when I felt the disconnect was to strong to withhold. However, when you take a leap, separate yourself by choice, move to a new place, start over all by yourself and really get to know what solitude is, you realize that though the disconnect is painful, it is and will be one of the greatest things you ever experience. IT IS VITAL FOR SURVIVAL.  

When I was growing up, I had an incredible mentor that was full of wisdom and something she drilled into me has been reoccurring. She would say "you have to do the kitchen time before you can enjoy the table"; that may have seemed like an easy piece of advice or something that was doable, but as I have grown, the seasons of difficult mundane task seem like torture. I often dream of a way out, a way to cut the work short and reach for a reward that would be a tangible piece of happiness. However, it is not possible to skip a step and truly be successful or happy. The goal of attaining something great, is honorable; but we have to remember that happiness is not a destination of some place where struggles do not exist. I am not sure what exactly it looks like to accept reality and be comfortable in the kitchen, preparing for the day that I will feast in joy at the table. I feel as if walking in a place of contentment is necessary, but a balance of dreaming, pressing, working, and peace of reality is necessary for joy. I think it is key that we figure out how to let joy be something we choose even in the struggle of mundane and tedious life trials.

Fighting the fight to get life done, it is not the easiest that is for damn sure. It is  a race to survival, uncertainty, struggles, irritation, shit hole occurrences, ect. It pays off, right? Doing what we have to do everyday to be consistent in desires for who we want to be, living life in a way to find ourselves. We may most certainly change an evolve with time, but if we are consistent to remembering the disconnect is not always bad, solitude is beautiful, hard work has purpose, and one day after doing mounds of dishes, you will feast at the table an enjoy the beauty of LIFE. 

It is a Journey and a journey worth fighting for.

"There are moments when troubles enter our lives and we can do nothing to avoid them. But they are there for a reason. Only when we have overcome them will we understand why they were there."

~ Paulo Coelho

Fear of Being

Most of life in some way or another, we have all heard the saying "just be yourself", I know I have heard it and been the advocate for others to "just do it". It is funny now, as an adult it seems that it is unrealistic to truly be yourself. Going day to day, doing exactly what needs to be done, does not always allow for the appropriate space to just be. The just being that allows for you to live out passionate dreams, the real you that exist within, may not even fully exist inside because of the clutter of getting shit done. I am beyond thankful for the journey I have traveled on thus far, as well I am thankful for the job and position I currently fill.

There just seems to be the burden that weighs so heavy as you go through the day just surviving and not living. Most people would probably say I am crazy... Why, because I am doing the most, I am living in the eyes of others. My life is flourishing, and for that I could not be more thankful. I love the friends I have and the place I have found to exist, but in reality, I am not LIVING! Not Pam, not the dream... But I refuse to let it die. 

I have spent a lot of time lately feeling beat down by the survival race, I feel this life has become. It is impossible (in thought) to really just freely live as me, when I am trying desperately to just survive in all the obligations of the day.
 I spent a large portion of today fighting tears.. I was dreaming of the day I would get to just help and teach people about life. I want to help people see the joy in life, even when most circumstances say life is not worth living. The passion that is burning in my heart in the moment I mention doing something for someone that may make them feel, even if just for a moment someone cares for them enough to hope. 

The way days seem to pass by lately, I feel a bitterness that has overwhelmed my heart. I once felt compassionate and joyful, but now I feel angry and selfish. I want to be left alone, I want to hide, I run from those that love me the most. There is no wholeness and health found in bitterness, it burns away at my very soul identity.
 Today, it felt good to dream and drench the flame. I felt a bit of the bitterness wash away, even though I was still overwhelmed with the task of the day, I felt like I was going to make it. I began to reminisce over the moments I get when I do feel truly alive. 

I think that it was a valid lesson that will be one for the books.. We may have moments where we forget to breathe and feel like we can't go anymore, but if we just sit back and take a deep breath.. tell a story.. day dream.. remember the moments those dreams were real.. reflect on where you came from... conclusion, you are living, you are well, YOU ARE ALIVE. 

"I want to live, not merely survive
And I won't give up this dream
Of life that keeps me alive
I gotta be me, I gotta be me
The dream that I see makes me what I am"