Unconventional Grief

Life is constantly changing and shifting for reasons often beyond our control. Change isn't bad, it's essential for growth. However, some changes hurt more than others. Like losing someone - the change that occurs when someone we love leaves this earth, hurts. There's no questioning that - change that happens when you lose someone who is still alive, now that, that is misery! 

It was my fault, I didn't know how to love, how to be a good friend... I didn't have any idea of what it meant to accept myself or love you the way you deserved. You were the best friend, I know I didn't deserve. Our trials ran deep and I failed you. I failed you time and time again... You never deserved my arrogance, judgement or brokenness! You deserved a love I couldn't give, because sadly - I didn't know how to love myself! Or love beyond the broken lies I knew.

It saddens me when I think of how much I hurt you - and just how much I was hurting so many people around me. 

As I look back, reflect on moments of things that happen, I cringe with heaviness of the pain I caused! 

Mourning you, and you're still alive - is the worst pain... waking up in cold sweats and tears running down my face, because I know, I know that my dream was just a dream and when I wake up you still won't be here. I hate it, I hate that I hurt you, I hate that I wasn't ready to love you, I hate that I didn't get to celebrate your victory of reaching one of your deepest desires, I hate that I didn't get to watch as you fell in love with a man and stand by you as you said "I do", I hate that I don't get to know how you've mended and healed brokenness with your family, I hate that you HATE me. I can't fix it, it's too late, I may never get to celebrate another joy you experience or hurt - and for that I'm so sorry! 

To you, may you ever see my letters on this page - I will forever be broken with the piece of you that's missing. You're not forgotten, you are wanted and you made a difference. You changed me and I needed you more then I ever was capable of realizing! 

Weakness is often our Greatest Strength

Criticism and defeat are possibly two of greatest experiences to launch us into a necessary growth for a successful future. Almost five months ago I experienced what felt like the greatest defeat. I felt like a failure, I was overcome with an anxiety for tomorrow. But tomorrows have come, anxieties have grown and demolished or even grown again; I haven't lost at life yet... It's not over. Loosing one round only launched me into the next chapter.

It's funny how life positions us in just the way that we need to grow, if we are diligent and present in our every moment. Each moment of every day has an opportunity that may be the tools for your success. Over the course of the last year an half, I've met some of the most incredible people and have experienced some of the greatest moments of friendship. The beauty given has been beyond anything I could have imagined. Through trials, failures, success, tears, lost battles and battles won; I'd say that life must only get better. I've realized that change doesn't mean loss or failure. Change often brings upon many emotions, but the evolution of our existence requires growth pains. 

Growth sometimes results in awkward phases where we aren't our "best" selves. We all have went through puberty and we know that those years were pretty damn awkward at stages... Friendships changed, our bodies changed... Everything looked different... I remember finally thinking "the awkward is done... My ears and feet kinda fit my body now..." But as I've grown and traveled through seasons this far I realize life is full of changes and awkward seasons that launch us into moments of appreciation. 

 Receiving critique of our character or personality can be the best medicine for healing if we analyze and accept what was given. In life we really need to step back an analyze...be willing to take advice, learn, listen.... Grow! 

My mom used to call me "hardheaded" growing up and I would just get fiestier with her... I was so stubborn and unwilling in many ways.. But it was often essential for my well being to hold tight to my ideals... But taking that mindset into all of life without regard of others, stunts our growth. It has taken a LONG time and a lot of analysis to find a balance between being headstrong and tenacious. Being strong willed and able to take hold of something is a gift, but if it is done with an unwavering mindset, you leave no room to learn better ways to hold the ropes. I sometimes still come across as very strong willed, because I'm diligent to persevere. I find it hard to quit... Quit people, jobs, task, ect. I do not like to give up or back down... The beauty of this is found when we still leave room to grow and learn from others. I realized that life is about community and learning from those surrounding us. Being willing to listen and compromise are keys to success.

"Permanence, perseverance and persistence in spite of all obstacles, discouragements, and impossibilities: It is this, that in all things distinguishes the strong soul from the weak."

Thomas Carlyle

There is so much gratitude in my heart for those that have fought by my side. During the course of the last year I've seen many sides of myself and some not so pretty... When we struggle and feel defeated, it's easy to attack those that are closest to us.. A test of time with friendship is really shown when we can love one another through the lowest moments. I'm grateful that the universe has gifted me with many talented individuals who have loved me. They've loved me with honesty and wisdom. At times, especially a few months back, I could not breathe in fear of how I'd come through this season... But every time I felt as if I could not keep going I was reminded of how great this process is... 

So much more to be said of what this season has been and so many to thank but for now, persevere.. It's not over! 

Εἰρήνη

Life is full of complicated days. We yearn so much to strive to "find" peace in the midst of all the noise. There are a plethora of intelligent men and women that write books, poems, articles, & beautiful speeches, trying to help us cultivate the way in finding this Peace we are all looking for...
Growing up, I lived in an interestingly chaotic environment, that's all I knew. As I have transitioned through the seasons of life, I have seen in hindsight that I too often try an maintain chaos in some way because it is very familiar. As humans, steering to the familiarity is comforting and where many of us decide to inhabit long term. I have hidden behind the mask of change for so long, making "bold" steps in directions that leave me uprooting everything (in theory) to start again, to be different and find this peace and comfort in a place or position.

In the last year, I have seen a lot of change in various ways and done things I never even imagined possible. But then even as those words bleed across this page, I know it is a lie, I have always imagined 'doin the most'. It is in my nature to not settle and stay on a journey seeking adventure and seeking to rid myself of... I'm still not even sure what I have been trying to rid myself of...

Less than a week ago, I did a very irrational thing... I bought a plane ticket to a beautiful place; a place that many see its beauty, but it's a place that I felt it's calming beauty. Buying a plane ticket doesn't seem irrational, but when you're unemployed and not sure what's next, it may not be the smartest decision I have ever made in my financial choices. But there is no price on a journey to find yourself.

Friday, I boarded a plane in Houston and headed out to Salt Lake City. I was leaving the place I call home, to travel to a place that seems so much like home. Battling these thoughts have been interesting because I have thought that I needed to figure out which place felt like home or
which place would make me happier. News flash, a location may provide some sort of happiness or momentary peace, but comfort and true Peace is not found in any particular location. You learn that major lesson the first time you have anxiety in doubt in that place you have labeled a tranquil.

We all have a story and there are often things in the past we want to leave just there, in the Past. Reality, we do not get to leave ourselves. This body, this mind, it is with us for the long haul. We may travel to the ends of the earth, seeing the most beautifully tranquil parts of the universe, but peace is not ours if we are only visitors. Don't get me wrong, we need guides and we need a little push sometimes to feel something outside of ourselves to truly connect with our inner being. But no matter the tranquility the mountains provide me or the crashing waves provide you; 

I am not the mountain and you are not the wave. 

I started my journey Thursday seeking to go, do something alone, find this peace or comfort in a position, in a place that once let me feel serenity. I anticipated that it would take a position or certainty to provide what I was looking for... But I found it before I found the position, and I sure as hell don't have certainty. I actual feel a hell of a lot more uncertain about tomorrow, or next week.

More days than not I have ridiculously irrational thoughts/behaviors, that take my mind to a place of such great anxiety, I would rather not deal. But reality is, I have to be okay with the brain that I have and pursue life in a way that let's me embrace my reality. If I train myself to pursue something not natural to me, it only feeds the ability to live in a "created" world. Being okay, is not accepting that I will always not want to deal with my anxiety, but being okay is accepting myself and pursuing health. I realized that I have been encouraging my weakness more than I have been trying to find an internal solution. Solutions aren't found in picking up an moving, or quitting your job, changing your major, ect.

I ask copious questions, on the regular, and regularly labeled as intensely inquisitive (to a fault). I think the label is "nosy". Being inquisitive is not a bad trait, but when questions are only questions and there's no useful intent, danger is too frequently lurking in my future. I'm not to sure what I seek to find when I ask too many questions, but I realized in many scenarios I have assumed way too many answers, that regardless of the words uttered from the lucky individual going through my scrutiny of questioning, I allow myself to fictionalize their words to match my assumption. (Silly right?) "Don't bring nuthin' but TROUBLE" - Save the Last Dance.

When you realize that you are your worst enemy, you realize you have control. Recognizing that you are in control of your destiny, that you are in control of feeling peace....... I'm not sure what my will be the outcome of such a realization, I am curious to see. A wise man has been trying to teach me to learn and say "Whatever"; may seem silly to you, but saying Whatever, is the reality of accepting your personal control. Not sure what is next, but to be continued.....

"Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding."

- Albert Einstein

Ipseity

When accused of being a particular way, that we find offensive, we must then question; are we offended by a possible truth or are we rightfully offended by a wrongful accusation. Recently, I was accused by a very trusted friend that I am not "whole"... Because of the source, I had to really step back and questions this very accusation. This trusted companion is smart, reliable and trustworthy.. In the moment I stepped back to analyze this accusation to determine, am I whole?  am I to be rightfully convicted by such intense words or am I "whole"?  Through searching even for a second, I realized... I felt more Whole than ever before. In that moment, vulnerable and accused I realized, I have accepted the darkness within. 

"How can I be substantial if I do not cast a shadow? I must have a dark side also If I am to be whole" 

- C.G. Jung 

For so long religion taught me to repent of the darkness... Surrender all fears and anxieties unto the Lord and all will be made well... For over 10 years of pursuing such ideals of a "letting go and let God" faith, it only led to a regret of my own identity..

At first well maybe actually over time that I'd try to "let go and let God", I'd feel 'peace', but then the fear, anxiety all the little darkness would creak back in an all I was left with was condemnation. A reality that I wasn't doing it right or I was just a "dark" human.... The darkness was still alive. 

Over the last year, I have made many life changes. One realizing "letting go an letting God" was not going to be the cure for my darkness. Through much self reflection and realization, I started to do things different; but even in doing things a little different I was still trying to overcome my darkness... But here I sit today, knowing the darkness is within me.

& I Feel ALIVE! 

For being such a control freak, the irony in seeing how often I surrender control is phenomenal. People unknowingly are given control over me day in an day out. Most often surrender control is not known or desired by the party I later blame for some form of hurt. 

9 months ago I was directed to start analyzing things I could control and things I could not control. As I began to take baby steps towards making changes for myself, changing my lifestyle in ways that may have seemed minor but were really life altering matters. Life altering in the healthiest way. With so many external changes of control, internally I still could not overcome the darkness.

But as I experienced a day recently, where I was decently content with my surroundings, my choices, my life.... I almost handed it all over in a moment of surrendering control to someone who did not ask for it... But in that moment I realized I did not need to surrender to a negative feeling, I didn't need to control an external circumstance.. 

Then.. Then it hit me.. After all of this the true healing, the true peace, true wholeness is found when we accept our darkness. 

That moment we realize that the darkness and light within exist together, we are whole. 

I often struggle with anxiety... My inquisitive nature leads me to depths of unnecessary pain. I feel as if I'm often at war inside of myself trying to shut out the irrational and pretending it doesn't exist, it comes back with vengeance. But realizing that I have the power to accept that I do live with anxiety, fears, doubts and some insecurities... I am fully alive. 

"I still panic sometimes, forget to breathe, but I know that there's something beautiful in my imperfections..." -Crazy Beautiful 

Ambiguity of a Gypsy

Do you ever question what it is you "want" in life? What you want for dinner? What do you want to do for a career? Who do you want to love? What you want to do next? 

It's the question that plagues many of us to complacently without pursuit of the goodness life has to offer. The openness to life's options are beautiful, however to ever truly experience anything you have to let curiosity turn to action that leads the way one direction to the next. Often it seems we always want a shortcut and hate back tracking or circling around, but sometimes it's so worth it. Just last week I was in the French Quarter in New Orleans, it was HOT and humid making it less desirable to "circle back" for anything. However, reality is you can't see everything the first go. I feel life is often the same way, it's easy to just go somewhere and live in the ambiguity but sometimes plans and desires need to lead the way. Living life so close minded to think caring for someone or something always means neglecting the open options the world has to offer, is tragic.

I am often very determined and diligent with my day and know that goals usually give purpose an meaning greater than I am alone. Even though I usually know what I "want" from the day I know that sometimes the course changes and other options are available and that's ok... it's nice to be consistent and let life lead you in an organic path to beauty. It's important to make a decision that leads somewhere though, where options to arise and course does change, where your plans may evolve. Staying in the same place is lonely and familiar, it's not as enriching if you don't see the evolution of life. Decisions and choices have to be made, we have to start somewhere with a plan to go someplace or we would never leave bed. We'd never meet that new person... 

It took several years for me to abandon the idea that was drilled into me as a child, "just trust God, he'll do it"... That gets us no where; decisions, desires, feelings, admitting our "wants", now that gets us somewhere. 

I think that negative associations and negative language get us in the most trouble. When we choose to love someone and choose to do daily life with them it's not that we are closing off our feelings to something else we are just pursuing something different in this moment. This moment may not be forever, or the something different may not always be the same.. It's intriguing to see how much we evolve over time when we really let ourselves feel and be free to dream beyond a norm. Evolution has guided us and directed us to this place, so what's next? What do you want? Where's your growth going to sprout from? 

Knowing what I want is a loaded questions, many people find it hard to want or care for anything... I however, want all the things, I want to grow and love everyone, I want to see the world, I want security, yet I want to hold on to being a Gypsy and dreaming of possibilities!! I think one thing Christianity taught me that I will cling to is "How do I want to start my day?" Today I want the man I love to come home and have dinner with me, today I want to make someone smile, today I want to learn something new, today I want to remember the past in a way that produces hope for the future, today I want to see beyond myself. Those things are vital for me. I'm not sure exactly what I will want tomorrow but I will decide tomorrow!

All in all I think being committed to the day is the path this Gyspy must be on to flow with the security of evolving and what ever that may be... I believe I can chose to love without missing an opportunity, I believe I can choose a path without missing out, change is rarely void of good.. Letting go of our fears to hold on to the good as we know today what we want and make decisions to grow, life will blossom. 

Today I want This! 

"The future is no more uncertain than the present."

Walt Whitman

Purpose

Have you ever considered what your purpose is or what drives the cause? Today as I sit, ill and weak, I wonder what  is purpose and if I really have significant purpose. I mean, what really do we have to do? Why do we exist? We can make decisions that effect us in various ways and chose paths of all kinds... But then what? I wonder why do we wake up to keep going with the grind of life, to end up where. 

I've always been a social butterfly and a person capable of working a room... I somehow demand all the attention without even realizing my reality. But as of lately, I find myself wanting to drown in the background with no significant addition to conversation. I'm not sure what value any of us add. It seems we are never satisfied. With moments of what seems like happiness or pure joy, does it last? No. Moments are fleeting.

It's interesting, one of the first steps in building the foundation of a business or organization, is making a purpose statement... A reason for existing.. Is purpose defined by what is or what could be? I feel it's the question of the day. Today my purpose is... But what about tomorrow or yesterday for that matter. 

If purpose is to succinctly capture why something exist and what it hopes to do, I feel I have failed the first portion and therefore on a mission to find something but without a fundamental understanding of existence will purpose ever be held??

I'm curious to know why I exist. It's heartwarming for many religious groups to find there fundamental meaning of existence in their God... And for this that is all well and good, but what if you feel disconnected with your creator? What if you believe that you exist from oblivion? Then what.. 

Beating Hearts

This past week, by the gift of my mother, I had an experience of a life time. As I boarded a ship to sail away for days, I hoped to sail away from my mind and all the struggles daily life seems to offer. But as the week progressed, I was able to do nothing but think and meditate on the beauty of wise wisdom spoken by many who surrounded me.

When life presents you with trials that seem as if you will break under the pressure, often we are reminded of the beauty offered even in tragedy. It is rare that in the midst of turmoil we are able to see the hope of tomorrow, but it is there. I have a character flaw when it comes to patience, it's as if I am void of any ability to wait on anything. I feel crippled by inability to grasp and idea or concept, leaving me pessimistic and hard. But as I was at sea with many beautifully wise people, I learned a lot of fundamental life lessons. Hearing the stories and struggles of those much older and wiser, gave me a hope I have neglected. We live in a "right now" culture, crippling us from the ability to hope and wait. We have so many instant gratifications, we do not even have patience to wait on the internet to load, much less wait on the gifts of tomorrows wisdom. 

I've always had a passion and desire to have grey hair,  and I want it now... This week I saw the wisdom of grey haired individuals and heard the stories of how they came to,  and it made me hope...  There's possibility we meet people to gain hope not to have an intimate knowledge of the exact story but have an intimate acquaintance with a hope that we may one day be able to tell a similar story full of wisdom.  

I'm not sure any of the beautiful people this week may know the impact and mark they left on my heart,  but something happened in that time that stirred me... 

Time at sea did not end in a room full of wisdom,  but two days I stepped off the ship into cultures that taught me something  new about Life as well. Through the adventure,  I realized how different we all are and how different our standards are..  There is beauty in simplicity,  a reminder of what is important. The beating  hearts of those around us,  they matter... We get so caught up in greed and shiny things that we forget the simple things,  the beauty in playing barefoot in a field with those who matter most. 

I met a beautiful little boy in Belize that stirred a passion in my heart like no other,  he taught me about life and about death.  He and his brother literally showed us healing in plants and death in a cemetery.  There was such power in the gentleness as he grabbed my hand and walked me around a beautiful church  where his mother worked... Moments before this gentle spirit touched me,  I was burdened to tears by poverty that I saw all around me,  but with his touch and the wisdom of my best friend I saw that he was richer than anyone I ever knew..  Simplicity is enriching.  

From the beating  heart of a child to the wisdom of the grey hairs on those who sailed away with me,  I remember to hope for the beating hearts.