Fear of Weakness

Among the various rules Jeremy Taylor has, the one that comes easiest for me has to be the thirteenth rule that says: “take an active part in the praising of others, entertaining their good with delight”. This rule is easiest for me because, I take joy in praising others or encouraging them with words. I believe that the affirmation of words are vital to the confidence we all have, so if there is a way I could help make someone feel better or have just a bit more confidence, I want to do whatever that is, and it is often just a simple praise for their good.

The hardest rule of them all has to be the seventeenth rule: “give God thanks for every weakness, fault and imperfection you have”. Praising God for my weakness is almost unfathomable, I know that when we are weak he is strong, but the reality of embracing the fact that I am continually with fault is sickening. I hate the pride that I carry around as I desire to be righteous enough on my own power. It is hard to ‘nurse humility’ when you fear so much to be weak. 

Trials-Endurance

James 1:2-4, “Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete lacking nothing.”

Within the first few words of this passage, I find it hard sometimes to not get angry. Taking joy in a trial seems so barbaric in first thought… Who wants to rejoice in suffering? I know that is not my first thought when times are hard. Testing is hard; even naturally as one grows there is pain. But continuing through these few lines, the hope of a production of endurance is promised as faith is tested. Then I wonder, what is this endurance for, just to go through harder times? Then you get to the latter section of this passage and the endurance produced through the testing of faith will have a perfect result so that we may be perfect and lack nothing. After reading these few verses several times, I am still left to wonder why it is that we must rejoice in these trials to have endurance to continue and be perfected lacking nothing, for I am guessing what would be the next trial. I have not had a peaceful heart reading through these scriptures, but I have only prayed that the Lord may guide my heart to see a future hope, so that I may endure with joy through this trial as well as the ones to come.

Community

Being a part of Christianity is “means community in and through Jesus Christ”. Bonhoeffer states that community in a genuine and deep way helps us work together and do the work of Jesus Christ. It is vital to the Christian Walk to be in community, it is actually seemingly impossible to function in a healthy way without community. The last few months I have seen the vitality of needing others to successfully see the fullness of walking with and in Jesus Christ. Trying to walk as a Christian alone without interaction with others is hard and discouraging. I have fought for years trying to recognize the ideology of what brotherhood/community in Jesus Christ really looked like, but I realized I was looking to create something that is actually the reality of something God himself created so that we may participate in Christ. My prayer recently is that I may find the reality functioning in the community God created in Christ so that I may have the same love and compassion for his people. I see that we need to work together to help carry each other’s burdens and being readily available and diligent to encourage one another continually. 

Affectionate Religion

My spiritual passion for Christ has to impact and motivate my studies at ETBU, more often than not. I so often am so overwhelmed by school and the pressures of being involved that there is no way without the joy and strength of the Lord, that I would be able to make it through each day. The way my heart is engaged with the Lord has a major impact on how I am able to walk through each week. 

I thoroughly enjoy the way Jonathan Edwards articulates the integration of doctrine and religious affections. I came to college with a lot of religious affections towards emotions, but not a lot of doctrine, much less an application of religious affections to doctrine. As I have spent time at ETBU, it has been challenging, yet beautiful, to see how the Lord has molded me and is continually molding me to have an understanding of that very integration. With words of wisdom, just like from Jonathan Edwards, many men and women have encouraged me to gain virtues by pursuing spiritual disciplines. Pursuing theology with affections of the Lord is a beautiful opportunity for growth! I have learned that if I hunger and thirst for Righteousness, I will only be satisfied with the Lord. And he promises in His word if we seek him we will find him; and I believe that as I seek him in everyday life that my studies and spirit will continue to reap from that. I desire for the pursuit of the Lord to produce affectionate religion; a way of life that is undoubtedly affected by the Holy Spirits input in my education, my activities, as well as my dedication to the Lord and how I love people.

Matthew 5:6 "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled."

Solitude

What is solitude? When does the noise stop? If it is not someone or something else causing something of chaos; our own inner thoughts can be the loudest, most difficult distraction we ever encounter. Beyond the fear of being alone with myself, I do not know how to just sit… I find myself fidgety or talking to God, even if it is not self-centered, it still feels as if I am missing something because I am not just listening. The same thing happens when I am reading the Bible; I will find myself reading but then convicted, because I am not just sitting in solitude listening and waiting for the Holy Spirit to give direction.

This morning as I was sitting in the quiet empty sanctuary at Friendship Baptist Church, and I began to pray for the coming service and the people who would be attending; it was a beautiful experience to go before the Father God, declaring his word over his people. After a few minutes of praying specifically for that congregation and service, I tried to just be quiet to listen; but I found myself beginning to pray again or rummaging through scripture, just reading random verses. I never could just be still….

For at least five minutes, I began to sulk, because I am not good at solitude; I began to take on a failure mentality. But praise God he is sovereign and he loves us enough to meet us in the very place where we are weak. I may not have been successful at my expectation of solitude today, but the Lord did not withhold himself from me. As I read scripture God was faithful to show himself and give me the exact words to pray over the service and the people’s hearts.

Henri J. M. Nouwen, says solitude is one of the most powerful disciplines in developing a prayerful life; and I agree with him entirely. I also agree with him as he shows how difficult solitude may be, because of the chaos of the many things surrounding us, as well as our own inner thoughts.  Being consumed as egomaniacs, there is a separation from understanding we are not the most important topic of conversation; however, when solitude is experienced a deeper place of encountering God is ultimate for spiritual growth.

Instead of taking on the failure mentality, I will choose to know that it is a daily process of growth, and trust in God’s character, he is loving and kind and compassionate on his children. Psalm 103:8 “The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in loving-kindness.”

Virtue vs. Vice

From day to day, I find myself weaker in different things or stronger in areas where I was previously weak. Daily, I find myself in need of one or more of the virtues I am weak in, whether that is humility, simplicity, contentment, peace, moderation, joy or strength.  Today, I am in need of the virtue of moderation. This past summer I experienced the darkest of night I have ever encountered and it lasted for what seemed a really long season. It was vital to my walk as a Christian, but in the midst of the darkness, I could not see the beauty of what the Lord was doing and it hurt; but I am so thankful for that experience and know that there will be other seasons where I need a dark night to grow deeper into a spiritual relationship with the King of the Universe. Since the cloud of darkness has been in process of being uplifted, I find myself walking in a joy that is strengthening and encouraging; but I also have found myself being gluttonous in some areas. Daily, I have to ask the Lord to have control, because I do not want to get lost in my own walks and self-disciplines that are for my own inner peace and not his glory. I desire to know the Lord in a more intimate way, but I do not want to become warped in spiritual gluttony seeking self-consolation. I am so thankful that God is divine in his wisdom and knows how to discipline his children and helps us grow, even if that means a night of darkness.

1 Corinthians 11:32, “But when we are judged, we are disciplined by the Lord so that we will not be condemned along with the world.”

Spiritual Discipline

Reading Stuart's post in response to Dallas Willard, was entirely convicting. Stuart gives an incredible account of what verse 42 means of giving up 'self'. Today, I was faced with what it means to give up myself and doing things for other people. I never really find myself not doing the things I am asked to do, but the manner in which I do them are not always glorifying to the Lord. As I read through Stuart's post, I must agree that it is entirely difficult to give up self. I continuously start statements with "I" and everything is about how "I" feel or think. But within that selfishness, today I realized that I was lacking the evidence of some spiritual fruits. Kindness was far from my thoughts; and that saddens me to know that I am so concerned with my time and feeling that for just a few hours I can not just be prepared to intentionally be focused on someone else. As I recognized these things today, it was humbling to have to be corrected by the word of the Lord; 
Philippians 2:14-16, "Do all things without grumbling or disputing; so that you will prove yourself to be blameless and innocent, children of God above reproach in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you appear as lights in the world, holding fast the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I will have reason to glory because I did not run in vain or toil in vain." 

I am Weak and He Strong

Romans 10:9 “If you confess with your mouths that Jesus Christ is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”

There is Power in confession; Paul directs us in the message of saving Grace in Romans 10, and we know that if we confess with our mouths and believe with our heart that Jesus Christ is Lord we will be saved. The power in that confession is the path to eternal life.

According to Ignatius of Loyola, the enemy is known as a false lover and his greatest weakness lies in our confession: when we bring the things of weakness into the light. The enemy wants to pretend that he comforts and loves us, but this deceptive premise is one of his many devices used to develop in us a false sense of security so that he may know our weakness.

The enemy studies our character to know the very areas we are most vulnerable, so that he can strategically come in and devour according to our weakest point; but by the grace of God there is power in confession and knowing our own weakness we have the advantage over the enemy, because in our weakness the Lord is strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9: “Each time he said, ‘My Grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.’ So now I am glad I boast in my weakness, so that the power of Christ can work through me.” The boldness Paul walks in, acknowledging that he has to know his own weakness so that the Lord may have that area and let His divine strength work. It takes humility to recognize that you are weak and cannot successfully do this life alone. For only by the power of God’s grace will you be established and strengthened.

 I often find it difficult to confess my sins because I want the Lord to see me as strong and faithful; but every time I find myself boasting in my own strength the enemy has reign to destroy me. 1 Peter 5:6-11, has been my hearts cry for weeks now, because I have to humble myself under the right hand of God, so that He can have the power to exalt me in His strength not my own. In verse 7, if we just cast our fears and anxiety on the Lord because He cares for us, He has given us direction to give Him our weakness, so that He can be strong.

As I learn to confess to the Lord that I am weak and I need him to be strong for me, I know the enemy trembles in fear, because he then knows that he will not succeed, because in confession there is freedom and salvation, there is no room for bondage or destruction.

What is Desire?

What do I desire Most from God? And what is Desire?

Since I was little girl, I have sought to understand what it is that I desire, and God has been faithful to give me vision and answer to more appropriately understand. Though time and time again, I find myself desiring self-gratifying things, which are not often in line with the will He has for my life.

As I have spent more time getting to know the God of the Universe, I find my deepest desire is to know Him more. I truly want to be intimately acquainted with His character and His will above all else. As I become more acquainted with His character, my desires have changed in various ways. As I have processed through the character of the God of the Universe, I realize the simplicity of His nature is answered in Love. One thing I desire passionately is to appropriately teach God’s character; as I know Him more and more, I desire to try and effectively help others to become more acquainted with who Him. There are many things I aspire to do and hope to be for God, as I grow, the burden to persevere and help others know Him expands in masses. There is one other desire that continues to grow as I become to know God more and more and that is the desire to be a wife and a mother. The desire is not natural to my character, but knowing God more and more I feel the call and burden to be a part of the Joy of being a wife and mom.

I believe that I will grow to know God more each day that I pursue Him and I foresee a desire evolving as that takes place, and there is such joy in knowing that He is Love.

Why Love?

In 1 John, John proclaims the message of God’s ultimate sacrifice of sending his Son to be an atoning sacrifice for us; and with this we now have the revelation of God’s love. The love example John proclaims is the root of love; for God Himself is love, and His love is perfected in us as we love one another. God has enabled us through his work to love one another, for as God Himself abides in us, we are able to walk in that love: His love. 

In Bernard’s four degrees, he separates the difference in motives of loving God. Bernard says that we first love ourselves for our own sake. It is truly fascinating to me that we first seek God with ulterior motives to find comfort for ourselves. I had a far-fetched idea: God intentionally created man so that He could have community and someone to love Him in free choice, so in essence creating us for Himself. He, from the beginning, first loved us so that we may love Him; I find it funny that the degrees of love point out that not until the third degree of Love do we even love God for Him. As I pondered the idea of how and when we finally reach a degree of love where we love God for His sake, we have already made sure that we obtain security of being taken care of. In flesh we have no concern for anyone but ourselves; when we have been in practice of worshipping God for ourselves, through all the hard times and we are thankful for His saving grace, we finally can transition to a place where we begin to worship God for His sake, so that He may be loved and for no reason of our own gain. Through the first and second stages we are becoming softened by the Grace of God that saves and rescues us when we call on Him, thus allowing us to begin to love God for who He truly is and not just for ourselves. 

I find myself on the fence, trying to decide if I agree with Bernard: the fourth degree of love cannot be attained on this earth. Reaching the fourth degree of love is not merely using love for self’s sake; however the fourth degree is intimate, it is when self can love self for God’s sake. I personally think that we can attain a place, even if just momentarily, where we are not concerned with ourselves and we can truly walk in spirit and love self for God. Because ultimately I believe that He created us to be whole and Love what He created; and the hardest thing to love, that He created, is ourselves and that can only be attained when we have found identity in God alone and not in flesh. I don’t think we constantly live in a place where we love self for God’s sake, but I do however think we have glimpses of those moments consumed by the love of God that we truly are able to see His Love abiding in us and we can love that.

Christ Example

Of the many commands Jesus presents in the Sermon on the Mount, two I find particularly important and relevant are “Let your light shine before man” (vs. 14-16) and “Love your enemy” (vs.44).  

When Jesus says, “Let your light shone before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father in heaven”, it is crucial to read that last part. Letting your light shine before men, is not so that men can glorify in you, but so that the Father in heaven can be glorified.

The second command that I find to be relevant and vitally important is found in 5:43-44, “You have heard that it was said Love your neighbor and hate your enemy, But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” This command is in its very nature a representation of Christ character. Though it may be seemingly easier to hate the one who persecutes, we must love them just as Christ did; Christ was persecuted by the very people his blood was shed to save. Christ example is true discipleship and the ultimate picture of who we should be like. That’s why I find these two commands vitally important and relevant, they may not be more important than another, but these commands are true pictures of Christ nature. 

Price to Walk

In Matthew Chapter 5, there are more than 10 commands to discipleship, but here are 10, I find to be valuable:

Discipleship: “you are to be the salt of the earth”, “let your light shine before man”, “Shall not commit murder”,  “Reconcile with your brother”, “You shall not commit adultery”, “You shall not make false vows but fulfill your vows to the Lord”,  “Let your yes, be yes and your no be no”, “Do not resist the evil person, but whoever slaps you on your right cheeks turn the other to him also”, “Love your enemy”, “You are to be perfect as your heavenly father is perfect”.

Imitation

When I think about what imitating Christ looks like, it often makes me think of specific experiences that are a reflection of who Christ is and what He looks like in people or in the church. Ephesians 5:1-2, Christ example is Love and Surrender; He has loved and gave himself as a sacrifice for the body. God desires the same thing for His children, He wants us to receive his love and love him as well, and he also desires our whole life; that is the ultimate love and surrender.

When I think of the church the Lord so graciously has allowed me to be engaged in since I was 4, I see His life at work. I truly see a body of people that strive to lay down this life and walk in his love. The church, has intently tried raising up a body of believers to know that they are God’s and that living life in imitation of him is not just doing good, but ‘being’ his, being focused on His love.

If the children of God live a life in imitation to Christ by walking in His love and surrendering our own lives for His purpose, the availability of ministry involvement is infinite. 

Control (reflection of writings from C.S. Lewis)

The thought of giving anyone every part of your being is so incredibly difficult; it is even more difficult to actually put the thought of giving in action. C.S. Lewis reminds me that God not just wants my time, money or work, but God truly wants ME. God is so loving and so gracious that He created us for community with Him; He just wanted a family to love Him. I have found that I often try doing well so that God would Love me or that as His child, I needed to do some kind of super amazing work on my own to make Him proud, so I would make effort to give Him some aspects of my life, but not my whole life.  I do not just want to do well; I want to be surrendered to the work of Jesus Christ, living in Him and He in me. Though I find that the most difficult thing for me to give to God is my control; in trying so hard to do things to please him, I get lost in my own efforts and forget what the purpose is for my life. God has made it evident throughout all of Scripture that we alone are unworthy and only by His works and grace are we whole. A true surrender to the entire identity of what God has made available, means I give up my control of this life, but time and time again I find myself snatching back the very thing I handed to Him. I desire to “give up my whole self”; but as Lewis says, it is the hardest thing to do; we often lose sight in our own pleasures. As I surrender this life to the Lord daily waking knowing that I cannot do it in my own efforts, I hope that I become better at listening to the Father and distinguishing His voice so that I can leave my life surrendered in His hands, giving up the control my flesh so greatly desires.