When life is running so fast around you and you feel as if you have no purpose, it makes it really hard to hope in anything or even trust that there is an end to your tunnel, much less a light to be seen. The journey of life has a series of seasons that last different lengths of time, and have characteristics that all change from one to the next. Don't get me wrong, even some of the stormiest seasons contain a plethora of outcomes that show a beauty you may have never seen without the rain. We often feel as if we are drowning in the pain and discontentment of not knowing what is next, but sometimes our lungs just need to practice breathing in the pressure.
The last few years of my life have been immensely trying, but all in all, I must say that there has yet to be a season that has passed, without leaving rewards or remnants of memories that are to be treasured forever. The lessons we learn thorough out the journey are just pieces to the puzzle that helps create who we are.
I recently physically made a physical transition to live in a new city. I took on the Big Ole' World and just moved. Transitioning to Houston, was an easy decision, because in many ways, I had created a life here. I had friends, I knew the routes, I was familiar with just being here; but what I did not anticipate, is that making that transition that it would open doors and be the light into showing me pieces of myself I had yet to identify.
I recently wrote on recognizing the importance of solitude and how beautiful that gift is, however, I was not anticipating to actually realize how much I loved being in that place; just cruising along, in the stillness, the quiet, the loneliness, the mundane and just being. I always thought I would be the one to always run and go, never settling, but I have come to realize, the Settle is crucial for who I am. I love routines, I like doing the same thing all the time, I did not realize how truly sentimental I am or how much I relied on my nature in being such a creature of habit.
It is so strange coming from a mentality of thinking your life will never have solid roots, to feeling as if you are finally being planted in a way that gives you some actual security in a way that is tangible and sturdy. Moving to Houston did a work on much of my previous perspective of life and my expectations for what my life would look like. I spent the first few weeks spiraling into the abyss of tragic; but it was soon that the Lord, faintly reminded me of the desires I set for myself to pursue wholeness. Within those reminders, I knew that the road I took a sharp left turn on needed to END soon before I fell too far.
I have been tired of the puppy analogy always chasing something new and never just being. Being has become a real part of who I am on the Journey to Wholeness, and I LOVE it.
As the season in Houston opened, I had many expectations of what it could possibly look like, but as I sit back and look at what it has become I could not be more thankful for the Grace that I have been given or for the task that I have been entrusted.
Many days I feel incompetent and incapable of doing the task at hand, but I know that there is reason and there is hope. For what seems like the first time in life, even though it doesn't all make sense and there are many errors in my day to day, I finally feel Home. I feel as if I am in a place where I can have life, I can breathe, I can just be. SELAH :)
There may be parts of this that seem as if I have it together, but the reality of it is, I have not arrived, I have lots of growing to do and that excites me :) But what I have right now is, peace that I am not alone, security in knowing that solitude is a tangible gift that overpowers the weakness of loneliness, and courage to know that no matter how incompetent I feel, I will make it, I just have to take it one step at a time.
When we trust in the dreams and the direction, even if that means we are kicking and screaming in the waiting, we will see the light, we will see the little patch of soil of what we may call home and begin to plant a garden.
Just let yourself breathe, stretch your lungs, let your heart grow stronger in the heart ache, just know that the soil we have when we trust the Lord, he will grow you and show you just where home is..
Psalm 43:3 Send your light and truth—those will guide me!
Let them bring me to your holy mountain,
to your dwelling place.
Disclaimer: not saying that Houston is my home forever.... But the Peace of mind of just being, is HOME!
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