Unconventional Grief

Life is constantly changing and shifting for reasons often beyond our control. Change isn't bad, it's essential for growth. However, some changes hurt more than others. Like losing someone - the change that occurs when someone we love leaves this earth, hurts. There's no questioning that - change that happens when you lose someone who is still alive, now that, that is misery! 

It was my fault, I didn't know how to love, how to be a good friend... I didn't have any idea of what it meant to accept myself or love you the way you deserved. You were the best friend, I know I didn't deserve. Our trials ran deep and I failed you. I failed you time and time again... You never deserved my arrogance, judgement or brokenness! You deserved a love I couldn't give, because sadly - I didn't know how to love myself! Or love beyond the broken lies I knew.

It saddens me when I think of how much I hurt you - and just how much I was hurting so many people around me. 

As I look back, reflect on moments of things that happen, I cringe with heaviness of the pain I caused! 

Mourning you, and you're still alive - is the worst pain... waking up in cold sweats and tears running down my face, because I know, I know that my dream was just a dream and when I wake up you still won't be here. I hate it, I hate that I hurt you, I hate that I wasn't ready to love you, I hate that I didn't get to celebrate your victory of reaching one of your deepest desires, I hate that I didn't get to watch as you fell in love with a man and stand by you as you said "I do", I hate that I don't get to know how you've mended and healed brokenness with your family, I hate that you HATE me. I can't fix it, it's too late, I may never get to celebrate another joy you experience or hurt - and for that I'm so sorry! 

To you, may you ever see my letters on this page - I will forever be broken with the piece of you that's missing. You're not forgotten, you are wanted and you made a difference. You changed me and I needed you more then I ever was capable of realizing!