Life is constantly changing and shifting for reasons often beyond our control. Change isn't bad, it's essential for growth. However, some changes hurt more than others. Like losing someone - the change that occurs when someone we love leaves this earth, hurts. There's no questioning that - change that happens when you lose someone who is still alive, now that, that is misery!
It was my fault, I didn't know how to love, how to be a good friend... I didn't have any idea of what it meant to accept myself or love you the way you deserved. You were the best friend, I know I didn't deserve. Our trials ran deep and I failed you. I failed you time and time again... You never deserved my arrogance, judgement or brokenness! You deserved a love I couldn't give, because sadly - I didn't know how to love myself! Or love beyond the broken lies I knew.
It saddens me when I think of how much I hurt you - and just how much I was hurting so many people around me.
As I look back, reflect on moments of things that happen, I cringe with heaviness of the pain I caused!
Mourning you, and you're still alive - is the worst pain... waking up in cold sweats and tears running down my face, because I know, I know that my dream was just a dream and when I wake up you still won't be here. I hate it, I hate that I hurt you, I hate that I wasn't ready to love you, I hate that I didn't get to celebrate your victory of reaching one of your deepest desires, I hate that I didn't get to watch as you fell in love with a man and stand by you as you said "I do", I hate that I don't get to know how you've mended and healed brokenness with your family, I hate that you HATE me. I can't fix it, it's too late, I may never get to celebrate another joy you experience or hurt - and for that I'm so sorry!
To you, may you ever see my letters on this page - I will forever be broken with the piece of you that's missing. You're not forgotten, you are wanted and you made a difference. You changed me and I needed you more then I ever was capable of realizing!