What is Joy for a tortured soul?

It's always entertaining to go back into the bucket of moments, the places where I allowed the honest to flow thru me. To actually laugh at myself and maybe even cry. The raw honesty of this, plus the depth of so much life being experienced, it's so interesting to see your portrait in the words on a page in the months apart. 

December '21

Ha. As a passionately loud human, it’s often assumed I’m an ‘excited’ or ‘happy’ person… but I am so often far from it. I love love and definitely spend time in gratitude when I’m feeling immense joy; however, rarely ever do I get ecstatic or enthusiastic to express a feeling of joy in simple moments of humor or day to day interactions. When I first noticed my own lack of enthusiasm it was watching her get so excited about EVERYTHING and OH DEAR can that be jarring for those of us that do not have ability to empathize with that energy. Not until recently, did I realize that both people that hold space in my heart and I in theirs, that this lack of enthusiasm created cracks of doubt or assumptions that I didn’t find things funny or enjoyable that they want feedback on in some sort of emotional response. 

Growing up, I was ALWAYS told I was “too much”, too loud, too hyper, too ADHD, too this or that; and I’m now curious of how much that hindered my ability to be soft and impacted to express how I really feel. Ooof…. Shit hit today as I realized in my own story telling that maybe through the years, as I’ve held so tightly to being loud and passionate, that I have left no room for other feelings of enthusiasm on the fly. Is it in fear? Is it in guilt of how much space I take up in a room? I’m not sure. There does seem to be so many deep layers of ways I’ve curved my own enthusiasm through the years and I be damn if that ain’t some joy sucking hell. 

The biggest indicator of this curved enthusiasm is deeply rooted in so many fears inside of me of my own space, one that’s so clear is how being ashamed of my own identity as a queer in my growing years. Not only did I curve my own enthusiasm to how much I loved her from the moments in a bunk bed in north east Texas to, finding him and neglecting excitement as well because, wait - aren’t you gay?! 

I’m comfortable reconciling that I’m not often “happy” because my mind is always on the larger picture of pains, trials and you know global fucking doom in this gross ass patriarchal/ capitalistic bullshit society we are enrolled within…however, what we NOT gonna do is address the reality that I feel deep in the pit of my being so much of my enthusiasm has been suffocated out by my own doing. My own fear of how much space I take up. As a true advocate for owning the damn space you desire, regardless of others opinions, I’ve too often failed myself. 

I want to live a life of enthusiasm! I want to be ecstatic with giddy pleasure when something makes me giggle, I want the pleasure of feeling the smile warm me from the inside out, versus a facial reaction that has no depth. I want to enthusiastically consent to my partners, to be present in pleasure & excitement. Owning how I feel and what gets me going from the inside out. 

July 28, 2022 - New Moon LEO 

How to make it all the way to Radical Joy? What's the path - months ago the above, still rings so true - doesn't make me cringe and yet here we continue. 

It’s in the moments - the potatoes. 

There’s so fucking much to mad at, 

To be angry about, the sadness is literally oozing 

As the temperatures rise daily - and the ice disappears. 

But the moments - the friendships. 

It’s the small moments, sunset bike rides and mountain gazing.

The song lyrics, that make you smile and physically feel as if you are with the people you love. 

Art work that carries the weight of not only the soul of their creator, 

But also of the ancestors that made them - 

Choosing radical joy - picking the narrative, choices. 

Dreaming of sunsets, when there is only fog. 

Seeing the smoke roll in but yet trying to capture the gold at the end of a rainbow. 

Present to see and hold the humans around you, but lost the will to see life as a gift.

Holding to the moon, as much tries to distract and priorities compromised. 

Reseting to remember, it’s in the potatoes. 

The Moments - sunsets and rainbows, dancing. 

Honoring the universe for the gifts. 

Provision to prosperity. 

Radical Joy.

Thank you to the ones my soul love and those that love my soul so well. I am honored to travel on this journey with you. Prioritizing the moments. Honor. Gratitude. The Sun & The Moon. Thank you, Universe.