Make that Change

Written 01/20& 02/01

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PivWY9wn5ps

If you have lived, which if you are reading this you are obviously alive, so living; anyhow... that means you have most likely heard this song... But listen to it again... After you read this...

Today I have desired to somehow organize my thoughts, there are so many projects going on in my brain, I do not even know where to begin; it seems I can not articulate anything that is going on up there. But as I sat and tried to start something or read something, it was just a cluster fuck of ideas that really don't even go together, but really they are all related in various ways.
My mom decided she needed a Frosty from Wendy's and that was the perfect opportunity.. As I walked outside in my Mickey pajamas to go to Wendy's, I had to turn on some good tunes; I needed some good vibes.... What to do other than roll the windows down, turn on the sports mode in the FIAT, and let the speakers caress my soul with Michael Jackson and all of his loveliness in the lyrical beauty displayed in "Man in the Mirror".
 Lerinda (the ultimate soul sister) text me, as I had recently told her of the distress I have been experiencing in my brain.. I gave her a description of my very moment, and she responded, "Foundation of your life"... Those four words gave me the inspiration to handle a bit of the cluster...

"Man in the Mirror", has been a life changing song form me for almost a solid decade now, but not until the last 8 months or so have I really experienced the song for what it truly is. I spent most of my life trying to play God and fix everyone and everything... No matter what it took or how much it hurt, I participated in the ultimate acts of manipulation, trying to fix everything, trying to 'forgive', trying to forget, thinking everything thing was someone else's fault. But the reality was, I was ultimately in control of my own destiny; things could change if I change. 

It's weird to accept fault for yourself or position yourself to make change. We live in a world that's driven by power and excuses. We all seem to want the power of leadership, but we always make excuses to not change. It's so easy to place blame on the past or on those in our life who have brought us harm.. Those excuses hinder us from going further.. I think MJ had a point with his lyrics, the message he desired us to gather...

It has been crucial for me to comprehend the role I play in my own life and how my own thought processes actually effect my everyday. Actions are created from something that could have merely started from a mere fleeting thought. Something that has played a key role in my transformation into embracing the evolving identity I believe is required to function in the day to day of this life, is a new perspective of Psalm 139. Reading this passage, you may think "Pam this has nothing to do with your ability, this is the work of God".. and yes you are right, however the way I read that Psalm or let it saturate my life is vital to my thinking and my ability to allow actions to be fostered by love and a desire for wholeness. A few months ago, I started reading over Psalm 139 and began seeing a different portrait of the scene that is being painted with words on the page. I began to see deeper that just a thought of hope that maybe God cared enough to create me... blah blah... but I began to see the authenticity in how real that is, God did care and he does care. He cared to the point that he walked with me in the pit of my destruction. My change did not come by changing my surroundings or needing to get fix first, my change started when I looked in the mirror and knew something in me needed to be different; who would have thought that such active transformation would come with a change or renewed perspective. New perspective of hope in realizing I did not and was not walking alone in the depth of my crazy. 

I say this to open up the idea that when I realized that even though I thought I was alone, I was not... There were people loving me and standing with me hoping for transformation; hoping that I would have enough self awareness to respect myself to desire greater things. As I have taken on the realness of seeing such incredible transformation to receive the unconditional Love God shows us through David's writings, I am able to take that into the world, letting my actions be transformed by change that has occurred from within my very being. I had to start with me, I had to make a change in how I saw myself, make a change in the worth that I labeled myself, things and people around me. 

^{Psalm 32:1-4}

¹ How joyful is the one whose transgression is forgiven,

whose sin is covered! ² How joyful is the manthe Lord does not charge with sin and in whose spirit is no deceit!³ When I kept silent, my bones became brittle from my groaning all day long.

⁴ For day and night your hand was heavy on me; my strength was drained
as in the summer’s heat. Selah ⁵ Then I acknowledged my sin to You
and did not conceal my iniquity. I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,” and You took away the guilt of my sin. Selah

Word for the week Selah- stop and listen, pause

Use this as a piece to just “stop and listen, pause”, think about things that in your life can be changed to help you better function in your day. What thoughts are holding you back from making a change?