Ipseity

When accused of being a particular way, that we find offensive, we must then question; are we offended by a possible truth or are we rightfully offended by a wrongful accusation. Recently, I was accused by a very trusted friend that I am not "whole"... Because of the source, I had to really step back and questions this very accusation. This trusted companion is smart, reliable and trustworthy.. In the moment I stepped back to analyze this accusation to determine, am I whole?  am I to be rightfully convicted by such intense words or am I "whole"?  Through searching even for a second, I realized... I felt more Whole than ever before. In that moment, vulnerable and accused I realized, I have accepted the darkness within. 

"How can I be substantial if I do not cast a shadow? I must have a dark side also If I am to be whole" 

- C.G. Jung 

For so long religion taught me to repent of the darkness... Surrender all fears and anxieties unto the Lord and all will be made well... For over 10 years of pursuing such ideals of a "letting go and let God" faith, it only led to a regret of my own identity..

At first well maybe actually over time that I'd try to "let go and let God", I'd feel 'peace', but then the fear, anxiety all the little darkness would creak back in an all I was left with was condemnation. A reality that I wasn't doing it right or I was just a "dark" human.... The darkness was still alive. 

Over the last year, I have made many life changes. One realizing "letting go an letting God" was not going to be the cure for my darkness. Through much self reflection and realization, I started to do things different; but even in doing things a little different I was still trying to overcome my darkness... But here I sit today, knowing the darkness is within me.

& I Feel ALIVE! 

For being such a control freak, the irony in seeing how often I surrender control is phenomenal. People unknowingly are given control over me day in an day out. Most often surrender control is not known or desired by the party I later blame for some form of hurt. 

9 months ago I was directed to start analyzing things I could control and things I could not control. As I began to take baby steps towards making changes for myself, changing my lifestyle in ways that may have seemed minor but were really life altering matters. Life altering in the healthiest way. With so many external changes of control, internally I still could not overcome the darkness.

But as I experienced a day recently, where I was decently content with my surroundings, my choices, my life.... I almost handed it all over in a moment of surrendering control to someone who did not ask for it... But in that moment I realized I did not need to surrender to a negative feeling, I didn't need to control an external circumstance.. 

Then.. Then it hit me.. After all of this the true healing, the true peace, true wholeness is found when we accept our darkness. 

That moment we realize that the darkness and light within exist together, we are whole. 

I often struggle with anxiety... My inquisitive nature leads me to depths of unnecessary pain. I feel as if I'm often at war inside of myself trying to shut out the irrational and pretending it doesn't exist, it comes back with vengeance. But realizing that I have the power to accept that I do live with anxiety, fears, doubts and some insecurities... I am fully alive. 

"I still panic sometimes, forget to breathe, but I know that there's something beautiful in my imperfections..." -Crazy Beautiful 

Ambiguity of a Gypsy

Do you ever question what it is you "want" in life? What you want for dinner? What do you want to do for a career? Who do you want to love? What you want to do next? 

It's the question that plagues many of us to complacently without pursuit of the goodness life has to offer. The openness to life's options are beautiful, however to ever truly experience anything you have to let curiosity turn to action that leads the way one direction to the next. Often it seems we always want a shortcut and hate back tracking or circling around, but sometimes it's so worth it. Just last week I was in the French Quarter in New Orleans, it was HOT and humid making it less desirable to "circle back" for anything. However, reality is you can't see everything the first go. I feel life is often the same way, it's easy to just go somewhere and live in the ambiguity but sometimes plans and desires need to lead the way. Living life so close minded to think caring for someone or something always means neglecting the open options the world has to offer, is tragic.

I am often very determined and diligent with my day and know that goals usually give purpose an meaning greater than I am alone. Even though I usually know what I "want" from the day I know that sometimes the course changes and other options are available and that's ok... it's nice to be consistent and let life lead you in an organic path to beauty. It's important to make a decision that leads somewhere though, where options to arise and course does change, where your plans may evolve. Staying in the same place is lonely and familiar, it's not as enriching if you don't see the evolution of life. Decisions and choices have to be made, we have to start somewhere with a plan to go someplace or we would never leave bed. We'd never meet that new person... 

It took several years for me to abandon the idea that was drilled into me as a child, "just trust God, he'll do it"... That gets us no where; decisions, desires, feelings, admitting our "wants", now that gets us somewhere. 

I think that negative associations and negative language get us in the most trouble. When we choose to love someone and choose to do daily life with them it's not that we are closing off our feelings to something else we are just pursuing something different in this moment. This moment may not be forever, or the something different may not always be the same.. It's intriguing to see how much we evolve over time when we really let ourselves feel and be free to dream beyond a norm. Evolution has guided us and directed us to this place, so what's next? What do you want? Where's your growth going to sprout from? 

Knowing what I want is a loaded questions, many people find it hard to want or care for anything... I however, want all the things, I want to grow and love everyone, I want to see the world, I want security, yet I want to hold on to being a Gypsy and dreaming of possibilities!! I think one thing Christianity taught me that I will cling to is "How do I want to start my day?" Today I want the man I love to come home and have dinner with me, today I want to make someone smile, today I want to learn something new, today I want to remember the past in a way that produces hope for the future, today I want to see beyond myself. Those things are vital for me. I'm not sure exactly what I will want tomorrow but I will decide tomorrow!

All in all I think being committed to the day is the path this Gyspy must be on to flow with the security of evolving and what ever that may be... I believe I can chose to love without missing an opportunity, I believe I can choose a path without missing out, change is rarely void of good.. Letting go of our fears to hold on to the good as we know today what we want and make decisions to grow, life will blossom. 

Today I want This! 

"The future is no more uncertain than the present."

Walt Whitman