Ipseity

When accused of being a particular way, that we find offensive, we must then question; are we offended by a possible truth or are we rightfully offended by a wrongful accusation. Recently, I was accused by a very trusted friend that I am not "whole"... Because of the source, I had to really step back and questions this very accusation. This trusted companion is smart, reliable and trustworthy.. In the moment I stepped back to analyze this accusation to determine, am I whole?  am I to be rightfully convicted by such intense words or am I "whole"?  Through searching even for a second, I realized... I felt more Whole than ever before. In that moment, vulnerable and accused I realized, I have accepted the darkness within. 

"How can I be substantial if I do not cast a shadow? I must have a dark side also If I am to be whole" 

- C.G. Jung 

For so long religion taught me to repent of the darkness... Surrender all fears and anxieties unto the Lord and all will be made well... For over 10 years of pursuing such ideals of a "letting go and let God" faith, it only led to a regret of my own identity..

At first well maybe actually over time that I'd try to "let go and let God", I'd feel 'peace', but then the fear, anxiety all the little darkness would creak back in an all I was left with was condemnation. A reality that I wasn't doing it right or I was just a "dark" human.... The darkness was still alive. 

Over the last year, I have made many life changes. One realizing "letting go an letting God" was not going to be the cure for my darkness. Through much self reflection and realization, I started to do things different; but even in doing things a little different I was still trying to overcome my darkness... But here I sit today, knowing the darkness is within me.

& I Feel ALIVE! 

For being such a control freak, the irony in seeing how often I surrender control is phenomenal. People unknowingly are given control over me day in an day out. Most often surrender control is not known or desired by the party I later blame for some form of hurt. 

9 months ago I was directed to start analyzing things I could control and things I could not control. As I began to take baby steps towards making changes for myself, changing my lifestyle in ways that may have seemed minor but were really life altering matters. Life altering in the healthiest way. With so many external changes of control, internally I still could not overcome the darkness.

But as I experienced a day recently, where I was decently content with my surroundings, my choices, my life.... I almost handed it all over in a moment of surrendering control to someone who did not ask for it... But in that moment I realized I did not need to surrender to a negative feeling, I didn't need to control an external circumstance.. 

Then.. Then it hit me.. After all of this the true healing, the true peace, true wholeness is found when we accept our darkness. 

That moment we realize that the darkness and light within exist together, we are whole. 

I often struggle with anxiety... My inquisitive nature leads me to depths of unnecessary pain. I feel as if I'm often at war inside of myself trying to shut out the irrational and pretending it doesn't exist, it comes back with vengeance. But realizing that I have the power to accept that I do live with anxiety, fears, doubts and some insecurities... I am fully alive. 

"I still panic sometimes, forget to breathe, but I know that there's something beautiful in my imperfections..." -Crazy Beautiful