The Journey of Excuses

Preface:
1. I need to read more: In desperate need of a Larger VOCABULARY 
2. I like List (Sorry)
3. I like to write as if I am having a casual conversation with my best friend

"Excuses never foster the outcome of productivity, they only stunt the growth that is required to extend us into the next season.."

I've spent a lot of my life making excuses for various decisions that need to be made, never launching myself into the next step... It's easier to see some areas were we make excuses, than it is others.. I can point out real quick when I fail to do anything different about exercising or my love for a good ole' coke! But, when it gets real, you know like some deep vulnerability, HELL naw, I'm gonna run with Flags of excuses flying HIGH. My favorite excuse "I ain't got time for that"... Yeah, what I need to remember is I ain't got time to be stuck in a tragic whirl wind of crazy because I'm afraid of 'a little ole effort'.... 

When I found comfort in companionship (even though completely UNHEALTHY and TOXIC), I made a way to have time for every excuse imaginable.. Excuses that almost destroyed my friendships, my family ties, even my life itself... To be so fond of thinking I don't have time, I put a lot effort into trying to destroy myself an everything that meant something to me. 

The time an effort I spent in trying to have "hope" in some sort of toxic comfort, finally one day came to an end.. The time to stop making excuses for reasons to pursue anything healthy.. I was so desperate to know what it was like to feel whole without constantly finding excuses back in to the comfort of instability. Crazy to think someone finds comfort in instability, but it is so very easy when it is all you ever know. You find yourself starting a lot of sentences with, "but, I". I always wondered why I was so quick to make excuses that placed my life in grave danger, living on a constant downward slope to epic fail; then I realize there are a plethora of reason that made making excuses to ride that downward slope into the river of instability.

1. Familiarity is a B*T*H
2. It's so much easier to do the same thing (familiarity)
3. It's easy to keep people close, when you know how to control them
4. Unstable people make for good companions, in the ole' comfort of instability
5. Doing something different is not the easier road to travel

Finally coming to a place to see so many of the unhealthy excuses I continuously made, only came after  slamming on the breaks so hard, I broke. 

Breaking into a thousand pieces, requires a great deal of work in the process for repair. I realized so many things about myself when examining various aspects of my life, an it would be entirely impossible to go into detail about everything.. But in this blog, we are discussing excuses.. One thing I realized in seeing those jumbled pieces of broken mess, was I spent way to much time enabling myself to make excuses for codependent relationships: A. I liked having something familiar B. That meant I had some kind of Control (FALSE).  I knew when I was going to be put back together, I wanted to pursue a life not full of codependent, irrational relationships. The history of codependent relationships, date back in my life, to like the embryo.... :P 

I have definitely not arrived to 100% of fullness in the comfort to not be irrational seeking familiar things.. But with the help of the Lord and incredible friends with their heads screwed on right, I've come a long way.
In those relationships, excuses don't fly.... I am accountable to the Lord and people in my life, knowing that I am better than living a string of excuses that lead to the river of instability. 

There is a line to a song that is so relevant in helping me have a great deal of respect for not even making excuses for the past: "I do not have time to think about these regrets". During this growth process, I often wanted to try to make excuses for the whys an hows of the past, allowing that to keep me stuck in the past. But, that is not the answer, staying stuck in making excuses an giving power to the regrets of the past is not walking in wholeness... However, it is productive to shout to the roof tops, "I am worth it", "I deserve peace", "I deserve wholeness". 
Sometimes I find myself walking in the old excuse mentality, making excuses for the familiar an it sneaks up on me way to often in subtle ways. The excuses start light, thinking about making excuses to not quit smoking, to not exercise, to not do this or that, then the next thing you know I am uncomfortable in my own skin an I make excuses for people to creep in my life. The greatest thing I can say is that I am finally capable of recognizing it, I am able to see it coming an take a step back, to keep from sliding into the danger zone of where the slope starts. 

None of this blog may make sense to anyone, but it is a bunch of jumbled things going on in my mind. I really like saying "I ain't got time" for a lot of things that mean nothing; but find it so easy to make excuses for the epic failure moments... I'm taking a pact with myself, the Lord an a few close to me, (I guess those who read this), to stop being so dramatic an passionate about the things that don't matter, while making excuses for the things that are so harmful.... I ain't got time to go back to the place of codependency, irrationality, brokenness or the misery that exist there. No more excuses, I want to grow, I want to continue seeing greater and brighter things in the world... 

Let's Go....

 I want nothing more than to be able to sit down and get on paper the many things that go on in my head; but that is WAY harder than it seems. You'd think I could just start writing an it be all dandy, but that is a big NEGATIVE. With feelings of inadequacy to the depth of fears from a plethora of categories, something just keeps me from being open an honest in a written form.

As time flies by, life goes on, people change, friends come an go; but some things only grow......
It was over two years ago since I last posted anything; and those post were only for school..
Today as I have spent time reading through all of the post, I am overwhelmed with memories.

The journey I have been on the last few years is almost like an imaginary tale; I think back, "did that really happen?"..

This is not a post to tell you the story in grave details all of the interesting things that happened in the last two years... But the is the pre- post of many thoughts that I will share from the journey that I traveled and honestly still traveling.. I have not arrived to some fancy place of perfection (that ain't reality for anyone). I have reached the season in this journey however that is far brighter than some past experiences. I'm curious to see where I am going, finding the places I belong in different seasons...

Reality is there is one truth that got me through and will get me through, the Lord is always with me: in the pit, in the palm of his hand, with my back facing him, with my stank face on, in my tears, in my rejoicing, everywhere.


I could sit an quote scripture, conversations and quotes, that help me make it through the day, but that will take too long an likely come in various things i share in the future... however, I will set a tone to an understanding of what I know of myself this far:
1. I love the Lord (in the best way I know how to love)
2. I make mistakes everyday: i smoke, i eat too much, i gossip, i yell, i don't like some people (an I so have NO poker face)
3. I have a best friend or 2 :) they help make days brighter
4. I love having conversations in my head an then torturing others with the details
5. I believe that every single thing created was created for COMMUNITY
6. Organized Religion often makes me ANGRY; but I like structure/order
7. Fellowship makes my heart overwhelmed with JOY
8. Being in a room with people that allow me to say F*** and JESUS in the same sentence, is a place I feel at home (hey if God is who most of us claim him to be, he knows what I was thinking anyway)...
9. People who use Biblical text to hurt someone intentionally make me want to vomit
10. I enjoy the comfort of being Real (but often TERRIFIED of Vulnerability)

Even when I've journeyed to the depths of the pit or stood in the midst of a storm sulking, the God I have hope in has given me reason to sing; He never gave up on me, never leaving me...