Dear Friends

Hi frands... 

I’m here. Holding this space with you. Angry. Sad. Loving. Hopeful. Healing. Exposed. Bitter. Exhausted. Hungry. Slow. Chaotic. Present. But so beyond. 

It’s a legit time to be alive. Like it’s a weird ass fucking time to be alive. But we can keep making a difference. We have lossst soo much. We are tapping into the ancestors holding us. The ones who’s pain we also carry into every discussion. It’s bizarre to me to hear conversations or take place in conversation where people are confused about our frustration. Our distrust. Our anger. Our love for the other.... we are leading a way of NO tolerance. We have to keep pushing. It’s exhausting. It feels one step forward 15 steps back. 

But today, I’ve sat. I struggled. But now I want to sit in gratitude. It’s you. It’s your alivenesss. Your pain. Your love. Your diligence. Your softness. Your hope. your strength. I honor that. I rest in knowing beautiful fucking humans. We are growing. We are learning. We are empathetic. We get UP. We can’t go every second of every day, we are yet human. We have restraints. Our lives all start at different emotions. Different moments. Different seasons. Different moons. Suns. & stars. But we all breathe together. We long to feel what the other feels. We long to know beyond our moment. We show up with empathy. We show up desiring collectiveness. wholeness. Beauty. 

We judge, we judge others by there opinions and beliefs by the way they hurt others. We believe, we collective human desire breath. We show up knowing this life is this moment and we have just that.. we remind each other that we all desire to breathe. Life is more valuable than any ‘thing’. 

It’s you friends, it’s you that continue to remind me that I must keep breathing. 

Broken

When did I break? Why do I get this way? Constantly feeling fear - fear is the enemy, right? What am I afraid of? Is it the uncertainty of life? Is is that I’m constantly afraid of being alone? I want to let go? Am I holding onto something I should not be?  I don’t wanna let go? I am constantly feeling damned if I do and damned if I don’t. 

I fail at loving me. Why am so afraid of loneliness. Is it because I fail at loving me? The unknown? 

All the fucks I have to give aren’t always with giving any cares.

It makes me want to vomit thinking of all irrational possibility. All things that likely are never happening, but if the did what difference does it make? 

I want to feel the love that I know is there for me to receive. 

The tears need to fall - I weep in my own self loathing but I do not know why or what the fuck to do? 

I hurt not knowing. I hurt not being able to fix. Or be able to handle myself. 

It’s quite a tragedy being inside of me. I can’t pick a fuckkng side of opinion or feeling. Never balancing my own thoughts. 

I want freedom from fear. 

I want love

I want to be healthy

I want to be healthy enough to let myself dream

I want to LOVE

I want to feel the love. The wholeness of our oneness. 

I want balance. 

I want to sit in gratitude.

I want indulgence 

I want PEACE. 

Is the key realizing that the peace is in the brokenness? Maybe we aren’t meant to fix the brokenness but manage to design a build a way of life in spite of it....