Self-Compassion, it’s not Brave to be larger bodied and free! It’s beautiful existing!

Today, I have felt so Brave taking time to actually work through The Mindful Self-Compassion workbook.. because self-compassion is NOT my best skill. 

I set out with intentions to start the mindful self-compassion workbook over coffee time this morning and exercise 1 instructions are: Relate to yourself with self-compassion. How do we show others compassion versus ourselves...

As I began processing various scenarios of how I show self-compassion to others in trying / difficult times, it’s without a doubt very apparent that too often I am not capable of showing myself the same. As I spent morning time reflecting, it was easy to think of ways to reframe how I talk to myself or allow room for myself to even consider processing the same self-compassion as I can give others. Spending time reflecting on this as I did a bit of stretching and body movement preparing for a hike, I was jazzed to spend the rest of the day being aware of my own inner dialogue to consciously work towards showing myself some compassion. Going on a hike would be prime, time to stretch my body and take on an adventure in a space I’ve never hiked.

Setting out on the hike at 6,700ish feet of elevation, I knew there’d be moments where I’ve in the past dogged myself versus showing myself the kindness & love I’d show others in terms of ability, skill or look  - so activate exercise 1.  Approximately 5 minutes into the hike it was way too hot to be wearing my sun protection shirt and since we were entirely alone in this little space to go on a hike, I said fuck it and took the top off, decided to hike in a sports bra. This is something I have NEVER ever done and instantly was regretting the decision, but within seconds my mind began racing working through the awareness of my thought patterns. I decided to reframe the narrative. Instead of being negative and nasty to myself for exposing my body, I began thanking my body for holding power to achieve such fun adventures. I began chanting with gratitude how proud I am of myself and the long ass journey I’ve been on to be in a space to even hike (I have multiple screws and metal in my foot and have a history of severe asthma, so elevation plus super intense physical activity, wasn’t something I knew I’d be able to do all seasons of my life this far) I finished the hike, gaining almost 600ft of elevation going to peaks above 7200 ft of elevation in less than 2 hours. 

The bizarre reality that I was so quick to dog myself about my appearance, while taking on this adventure was insane... 

It’s a tragedy that I personally spend more time ridiculing myself and what society says I should look like versus being compassionate towards myself. Though confidence hasn’t been my struggle, being kind to myself to exist however I am, is NOT the strong suit - i realized today I have lived assuming I was confident but realized I’d designed rules for myself to maintain that confidence... well today, I say - Fuck the narrative that says you have to look a certain way to hike in a sports bras! I refuse to allow myself to spend more energy today or any day, on not speaking to my myself, my body or my soul with anything less than kindness. Our bodies do hard things and we all have unique journeys. It’s beautiful to love yourself and spend time in gratitude honoring your body for what it holds to keep you moving. 

So here’s some moments my partner captured of me being!! Just being, it’s not brave for larger bodied humans to wear whatever they want, whenever they want. It doesn’t have to be a space where I look at these photos and criticize myself based on societal norms, but it’s a space where I’m so damn thankful for this body and the adventures we are able to take!

Reassessing

Dammit. It really is POWERFUL to reassess. The moments. Today has had some weird ass moments. But the hard ones, kinda took over. That loop. The weird shit your brain does when it repeats over and over something so insignificant but usually also, IRRATIONAL... and oh it for some reason then spirals down the most catastrophic rabbit holes. (Facepalm) 

Well, I let it get me today. And y’all, I done blown my WHOLE life up in my head today. So, come like 5:30 - I said to self “it is time to just open a bottle of wine, close the computer and go on to the next commitment that you have, but that commitment gives you joy and confuses you - but that sounds better than this shit show!”... then in true Pam fashion, I hope in a bubble bath.. candle light. Glass of wine. And hit the book. (Likely more to come on the book later, because the content definitely mattered!!!!) well, as I’m reading - pausing and diving into the things that make my soul truly able to see, I started to acknowledge the beauty of the moment. And the life I do have and the joys. And still felt weird and still do but what I did was decided to be vulnerable, and take steps and keep moving. And using time for good. Just GOOD. People. Love of people. Love of healthy, happy people, beauty. 

Y’all, then my baby brother. It’s so crazy, I can’t not say baby brother - but he’s a grown ASS, BADASS man. But he’s my baby brother - he added new photos to our family shred weekend in the mountains... & it took me back.! It took me back to just less than 36 hours ago, where I was disconnected from the pain, from the chaos, from the chores of others. But I was honoring the universe with so much worship, with my most beloved humans in this world and our close loved ones. And we talked, we learned, we grew, we rested, we explored, we sat in the utmost SAPPY gratitude - because WE have OVERCOME so much. We have championed through, but we also know there’s SO much more to be done. So we go into the day with open eyes and willingness to learn. I’m so thankful for the moments. And I’m thankful for my family for taking ALL of me. And all of this, is just an honest moment of vulnerability, may make no sense for anyone else. But it’s the authentic story I needed for my self today. It’s just a long winded way of me taking the moment to truly sit and acknowledge the beauty and POWER of reassessing!