Grief

The thought of grief being circular is actually something I’d not fully considered until watching the recent season of Virgin River. Considering grief as circular versus stages that you eventually ‘come on the other side of’ - actually makes life make a little bit more sense, honestly. 

Grief is odd. Grief is painful. Grief is numb. Grief is anger. Grief is memories. 

Recently, I’ve had to face my own levels of grief over things, I’d not imagined actually “grieving”. It’s common to think about the grief process when you loose a loved one or over job loss - for me, it’s common to actually sit with considering grief during those experiences. I learned about loss very early, too early - but there’s never actually an age at which grief is any easier, in my opinion. However, 2020 had brought to light a new grief experience - and a phased approach at grief just really hasn’t made sense to this grief. This grief is the grief of friendship loss / transition. 

Now, let me state. Grieving friendship loss or transition, was not uncommon before 2020, but I experienced it in a different way, which also brought to head some deep pains & rush of grief from those friendships losses or that transitions as life changed us. 

Post considering this concept of grief as circular, i truly believe I have so much more understanding at some of my own feelings. I’ve realized that we don’t easily forget, we can forgive, but the memories they don’t go away, maybe they fade but there’s things that bring them rushing back, and that grief - it hits and it hits like a train slammed into your chest. 

But, now considering that just because the grief may come back, it doesn’t lessen YOU. It doesn’t lessen the work you’ve done, the place you’ve created for yourself.... it’s just maybe grief is circular and sometimes you may feel it all over agin. 

Grieving friendship transitions may look different for everyone, and I do think that there’s hope and sometimes maybe life brings ya back. But now I’m realizing that though I grieve some of those people and I feel those rush of feelings, it doesn’t mean I’m meant to mend. It doesn’t mean that I have to live by a social standards or someone else’s desire for me, but I have to honor myself. Feel the feelings, sit with the memories, be sad, then angry, then sad against that I’m grieving these humans because they couldn’t accept me for me. Then I smile, and thank the universe for bringing me to freedom, and honor those memories, and then I type out this long thought rant concerning the circular process of grief, there’s no other side! 

Justice, Equity, Equality - words from an aggressively passionate woman.

So – as I have been called out of my name many of a times recently for taking a stance for Justice, Equity and Equality – I wanted to highlight a few things.

First, I want to provide a list of why I will continue to push back on people that are mad at me or offended by my stances for calling your support of the current Republican Administration & 45: racist, homophobic, harmful, and dismissive of science and of HUMANS. 

• Proclamation of National Day of Remembrance – if you need me to explain the racism involved in a day that Trump designated for American’s taken by ‘illegal aliens’ – in time for Mexico to celebrate Dia de los Muertos, you should likely stop reading here because there’s no hope for your levels of not acknowledging racism.
  
• Science – as my state and my home over taken with smoke, this President chose to say; “Okay.. It’ll start getting cooler. You just watch.”  Moreover, the months following, we saw some of the largest wild fires in our history – yet, he will continue to dismiss climate change.
• This man also, chose to nominate and affirm a Supreme Court Justice, not only so close to an election, but also an individual that called my queerness a ‘preference’. A President in support of a lawmaker with such disgust for LGBTQ+ people - is a President with no intention of continuing to see justice, equity and equality for LGBTQ+ people in the years to come.
• COVID / Healthcare – Trump has continually disputed science, undermines medical professionals. Trump chose to instead of alternatives for economy stimulus, we saw a president open our restrictions and continued to allow American’s to be at risk for a virus that we do not know enough about, assuming that the amount of deaths actually don’t matter in the grand scheme of the future.
• BLACK LIVES MATTER! Trump has continued to bash BLM movement, not take action on systemic racism, but instead encourages American Terrorism, and sends military resources to hinder peaceful protestors, though that is a constitutional right. 

The above are not my personal opinions or rhetoric to my own agenda, but are realities that we have faced and ALL of the above are only examples of the last several months of this administrations action. The above is a short list of examples that outline your racism, dismissal of science & human life, with supporting this administration.

 

“We can agree to disagree and still love each other unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and the denial of my humanity and right to exist” – James Baldwin

 

Also, a list of realities – known as MY PERSONAL TRUTH & OPINION.

• I am NOT a democrat or republican, and despise our two party system and believe the hate of party lines is a lot of the blurred ignorance keeping us from change.
  
• I have not said that I dislike a particular republican for anything other than concepts rooted in racism, xenophobia, and homophobia, dismissal of science or neglect and harm done, being done to humans with EXCUSES. 
  
• I am NOT religious and my pain, frustration & intolerance of injustice – will NOT be fixed with your prayers. Honestly, from a lot of you, I would prefer my name stay out of your prayers unless you are praying continually for my own personal self-awareness and strength to deal with living in a country where I am supposed to casually accept those that dismiss my humanity by projecting personal religious views onto my person.
  
• I am a queer; though you may make your own personal assumptions based on the exterior appearance of my seemingly ‘hetero-normative’ life – my truth is I AM QUEER! I am impacted by a governing leader that did NOT let my voice be heard, but instead took to a personal agenda to nominate a Justice with a backing of an ill represented senate, that can potentially bring harm to my life.
  
• I AM a Jesus-apologist, NOT a CHRISTIAN and NOT ASHAMED. I spent years dedicating my life to learning scripture and doing my best to represent the full existence and love of Jesus Christ & I am daily not shocked but repulsed by people comparing such a FAUL human to the likeness or representation of the love, kindness and justice that is Jesus Christ.
  

 

“I believe in the freedom of speech, but I also believe that we have an obligation to condemn speech that is racist, bigoted, anti-Semitic, or hateful.” – J. Lewis

Dear Friends

Hi frands... 

I’m here. Holding this space with you. Angry. Sad. Loving. Hopeful. Healing. Exposed. Bitter. Exhausted. Hungry. Slow. Chaotic. Present. But so beyond. 

It’s a legit time to be alive. Like it’s a weird ass fucking time to be alive. But we can keep making a difference. We have lossst soo much. We are tapping into the ancestors holding us. The ones who’s pain we also carry into every discussion. It’s bizarre to me to hear conversations or take place in conversation where people are confused about our frustration. Our distrust. Our anger. Our love for the other.... we are leading a way of NO tolerance. We have to keep pushing. It’s exhausting. It feels one step forward 15 steps back. 

But today, I’ve sat. I struggled. But now I want to sit in gratitude. It’s you. It’s your alivenesss. Your pain. Your love. Your diligence. Your softness. Your hope. your strength. I honor that. I rest in knowing beautiful fucking humans. We are growing. We are learning. We are empathetic. We get UP. We can’t go every second of every day, we are yet human. We have restraints. Our lives all start at different emotions. Different moments. Different seasons. Different moons. Suns. & stars. But we all breathe together. We long to feel what the other feels. We long to know beyond our moment. We show up with empathy. We show up desiring collectiveness. wholeness. Beauty. 

We judge, we judge others by there opinions and beliefs by the way they hurt others. We believe, we collective human desire breath. We show up knowing this life is this moment and we have just that.. we remind each other that we all desire to breathe. Life is more valuable than any ‘thing’. 

It’s you friends, it’s you that continue to remind me that I must keep breathing. 

Broken

When did I break? Why do I get this way? Constantly feeling fear - fear is the enemy, right? What am I afraid of? Is it the uncertainty of life? Is is that I’m constantly afraid of being alone? I want to let go? Am I holding onto something I should not be?  I don’t wanna let go? I am constantly feeling damned if I do and damned if I don’t. 

I fail at loving me. Why am so afraid of loneliness. Is it because I fail at loving me? The unknown? 

All the fucks I have to give aren’t always with giving any cares.

It makes me want to vomit thinking of all irrational possibility. All things that likely are never happening, but if the did what difference does it make? 

I want to feel the love that I know is there for me to receive. 

The tears need to fall - I weep in my own self loathing but I do not know why or what the fuck to do? 

I hurt not knowing. I hurt not being able to fix. Or be able to handle myself. 

It’s quite a tragedy being inside of me. I can’t pick a fuckkng side of opinion or feeling. Never balancing my own thoughts. 

I want freedom from fear. 

I want love

I want to be healthy

I want to be healthy enough to let myself dream

I want to LOVE

I want to feel the love. The wholeness of our oneness. 

I want balance. 

I want to sit in gratitude.

I want indulgence 

I want PEACE. 

Is the key realizing that the peace is in the brokenness? Maybe we aren’t meant to fix the brokenness but manage to design a build a way of life in spite of it....