Broken

When did I break? Why do I get this way? Constantly feeling fear - fear is the enemy, right? What am I afraid of? Is it the uncertainty of life? Is is that I’m constantly afraid of being alone? I want to let go? Am I holding onto something I should not be?  I don’t wanna let go? I am constantly feeling damned if I do and damned if I don’t. 

I fail at loving me. Why am so afraid of loneliness. Is it because I fail at loving me? The unknown? 

All the fucks I have to give aren’t always with giving any cares.

It makes me want to vomit thinking of all irrational possibility. All things that likely are never happening, but if the did what difference does it make? 

I want to feel the love that I know is there for me to receive. 

The tears need to fall - I weep in my own self loathing but I do not know why or what the fuck to do? 

I hurt not knowing. I hurt not being able to fix. Or be able to handle myself. 

It’s quite a tragedy being inside of me. I can’t pick a fuckkng side of opinion or feeling. Never balancing my own thoughts. 

I want freedom from fear. 

I want love

I want to be healthy

I want to be healthy enough to let myself dream

I want to LOVE

I want to feel the love. The wholeness of our oneness. 

I want balance. 

I want to sit in gratitude.

I want indulgence 

I want PEACE. 

Is the key realizing that the peace is in the brokenness? Maybe we aren’t meant to fix the brokenness but manage to design a build a way of life in spite of it....