I have waited my whole life to be appreciated as being a Bitch and mostly just a Smart Ass. But with the confirmation and acceptance, maybe I went overboard.
We should feel a bit of remorse with negative energy. There should be thought put in and effort used when we are positioning things that we say out loud.
Overall I am entirely an irrational human being. I jump to conclusions, speak before I think, cause division with unnecessary motives and cause schism where there may have been no issue.
There are times in life where irrationality is not frowned upon, because it is a bit spontaneous; however 8 times out of 10, that is not the case. There is need for thinking about what we do or say.
The journey of figuring out who we want to be or what makes us comfortable, is a life long journey that seems never ending.... well that's because it doesn't end as long as you are breathing. I have asked the question a lot lately, "what makes you happy". When will I feel content in what I am doing or where I am.
Sometimes the weight of the struggle in identifying who we are is 1,000 times more than the weight we can bear. I believe this is why there is need for some sort of psychological hope.
I have been struggling to find my psychological hope the last few months I have a deep reverence for God and do not want to abuse the comfort that is given in believing in who He is, if I am incapable of acknowledging all of His story. His story is beauty and the story of the creation itself... Whether it be a computer simulation we live in or a real authentic rock we live on, there is still a Creator and I believe in that power bigger than who I am. Most of my life I have found my identity in a western cultural norm, proclaiming and professing Christianity. But it pains me to proclaim an identity, when there is so much confusion and loss wrapped in many ideas and theories that build the foundation to the identifying term. Finding the balance or seeing God without Jesus is nearly impossible in my thought process, however there is depth to the struggle in receiving the ideas of my ancestors and the writers of scripture. So I have resolved to not profess identity in a term that has existed for centuries; I do desire to journey through this life asking existential questions and seeking the identity in who I am and how I exist with my creator, not in a story someone else created for me.
If you have ever tried to step out of the norm for your inner circle, you know the feeling of being separated or disconnected in a greater way than most. When I struggled through figuring out who i was as a teenage or the last few years of college, I would neglect my ideas or feelings when I felt the disconnect was to strong to withhold. However, when you take a leap, separate yourself by choice, move to a new place, start over all by yourself and really get to know what solitude is, you realize that though the disconnect is painful, it is and will be one of the greatest things you ever experience. IT IS VITAL FOR SURVIVAL.
When I was growing up, I had an incredible mentor that was full of wisdom and something she drilled into me has been reoccurring. She would say "you have to do the kitchen time before you can enjoy the table"; that may have seemed like an easy piece of advice or something that was doable, but as I have grown, the seasons of difficult mundane task seem like torture. I often dream of a way out, a way to cut the work short and reach for a reward that would be a tangible piece of happiness. However, it is not possible to skip a step and truly be successful or happy. The goal of attaining something great, is honorable; but we have to remember that happiness is not a destination of some place where struggles do not exist. I am not sure what exactly it looks like to accept reality and be comfortable in the kitchen, preparing for the day that I will feast in joy at the table. I feel as if walking in a place of contentment is necessary, but a balance of dreaming, pressing, working, and peace of reality is necessary for joy. I think it is key that we figure out how to let joy be something we choose even in the struggle of mundane and tedious life trials.
Fighting the fight to get life done, it is not the easiest that is for damn sure. It is a race to survival, uncertainty, struggles, irritation, shit hole occurrences, ect. It pays off, right? Doing what we have to do everyday to be consistent in desires for who we want to be, living life in a way to find ourselves. We may most certainly change an evolve with time, but if we are consistent to remembering the disconnect is not always bad, solitude is beautiful, hard work has purpose, and one day after doing mounds of dishes, you will feast at the table an enjoy the beauty of LIFE.
It is a Journey and a journey worth fighting for.
"There are moments when troubles enter our lives and we can do nothing to avoid them. But they are there for a reason. Only when we have overcome them will we understand why they were there."
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