Well damn.
It's less than 2 weeks from being one year since my momma took her last breath.
I know that transition for her meant a peace beyond - but it doesn't change
that it hurts.
Over
the years, my mom and I did not always have the best habits in communication
and connection; not the normal teen drama - but true deep hurt and pains that
made it difficult for us to coexist. However, there was never a time that she
did not position us for more than she could do.
Grief
is so damn bizarre - it's DEFINITELY not linear that's for sure. For me I am
learning that "stages of grief" does not fit this experience I am in,
as the grief is a damn force and sometimes the anger, sadness, pain &
acceptance may be present.
In the last year - I have sat
in my emotions, sat in feeling the pain of what it feels like to rediscover
your heart without any maternal blood connection left present on this side of
existing, I have avoided my emotions some days and made myself so busy I became
sick, the list goes on of the many ways I have tried to survive/cope during
this time; but I do NOT think it will end anytime soon. & I have resolved
to accept I will live in all the feelings of what it means to not have a momma,
and I will NOT subscribe to a world that ask me to compartmentalize to make
others feel more comfortable. I do this with confidence because of the life my
mom decided to live her last few years. Don't get me wrong, Patti was always
nice (NICER than I am) - but she had a LOT of shit to unlearn from nasty ass
upbringing to many life tragedies and a fuckton of trauma NO human should have
to experience. But in those last few years, even with her health issues and her
financial disparity, she chose to dig deep and unroot the bullshit &
LISTEN. She LOVED to pause and listen to other folx experience!
My mom started hospice early
June 2021, her choice... She was so tired... Hell I was tired for her and I
respected her getting to make the choice to mitigate the pain in whatever way
she needed to, because she DESERVED to make a decision for herself and be
supported, as she rarely received that in her years of living. Many folx
considered her crazy or unable to be human because of the diagnosis she
received or the way she navigated addiction; but that was such shit response to
a human that wanted desperately to be seen, heard and loved as much as she had
love to give at the capacity of what she knew it to be.
In the almost 3 years my mom
got to be in Denver, she would tell you she finally got to LIVE. Actually LIVE,
like adventure, make decisions for herself, explore, build community -
authentically build community. She got to exist with people that accepted her
for all parts of her - and CELEBRATE her for her. It was truly healing to watch
and be a part of for those years. It was NOT easy for me, as the person I got
to know the last few years was very different than the person I grew up beside
in MANY ways; but I leaned into being open to extend grace to my mom for I know
she did NOT have an ethical support group most of her life. As I opened with
grace as I knew how, we were able to navigate many uncomfortable situations
together - truly I say this often but it's so real my mom and I had NO stone
unturned. LIKE NONE. We probably talked about things that would maybe make some
daughters cringe to even consider discussing with their mom, but Patti & I
both knew hurt really deep and she knew the sadness of unanswered hurts &
truths with her own momma - so I am fucking honored that she chose to do the
HARD work to exist with me.
A year and 2 weeks ago mom was
still living in her own space, it was Pride week in Denver and she was able to
get in some last dance sessions at #Vybe with some of her favorite guys and she
got to shout with joy in celebrating all of our queerness, and some moments
even with a heavy heart because she had some shame around the time it took her
to get to the place of celebrating - but for me the work she did, does NOT
excuse the past but damn was it beautiful to get to see someone learn to grow and
love so much. During the week of Pride there was one night I was out with a few
friends and we needed to go check on mom before going home and walk Mia (Maya);
we get to mom's studio well after midnight and she's cutting veggies, like
literally sitting at the table prepping veggies for a pot of spaghetti, and I
was LIKE "Mom, what even???" and she responded "well aren't you
hungry? I knew yall would need to be fed this weekend and you wouldn't want to
have to stress with crowds and takeout so I'm making you a big pot of spaghetti
to have!". That moment may have seemed even so simple then, but I look
back on that week and have so many tears... sadness but also joy. Having spent
many years of my life confused at what really being loved was because there
were so MANY conditions to love given from blood relatives - that moment, that
night at my mom's I saw the depth of her love for me in a new light. It was a
damn gift for sure because the proceeding weeks still go down as the hardest
fucking weeks in my life.
Patti was the damn life of a
party, and my FAVORITE vodka drinking buddy. I am thankful I am a weirdo spirit
person and believe that she's still having vodka's with me when I make the
choice to sit alone and just pause with my feelings. The process of actually
processing so many of the truths we sat in - is a fucking BEAST some days, for
real almost crippling. But there's so much to sit with and be entangled with
from my own creation story, to the many things my mom experienced - it's heavy.
But I have this memory from last June - the month Momma did ALL the things that
she could to enjoy Colorado with the people she loved the most - but one night
in particular we were out having a margarita, of course also chips & salsa,
and the convos were real heavy but mom and I went to the bathroom and as we
left she asked me for permission to hug me (as I did have pretty hard
boundaries with her around hugs, because she did NOT hug me often as I was
growing up and that shit sticks) but that night I hugged my mom and watched the
tears fall down her cheek with joy that we had NO walls between us, and it's
that moment I cling to more often than not to know she was holding me while I
have to hold all of the pain we experienced.
I spent many years so hurt by
her and the transition to being so hurt to not have her, is fucking intense.
But I can't help but try desperately to cling to a narrative of appreciation -
because Patti was a fucking champion. I am clinging more and more to her life
& love lately, as I know the work she did was not easy but she showed me I
do NOT have to tolerate HATE or bullshit. If momma could do it, NOBODY has an
excuse to not do the real work - the hard work to be a decent fucking human. I
honestly am thankful that my empathetic momma hasn't had to live through the
last year of dumpster fire shit the world has had to experience. But it doesn’t
change the fact that life transition to not having a momma present, is SO
hard.
Today, I am making the
conscious choice to share my feelings, feel them all and send out gratitude to
my momma!
Hug the people you love and hug
the ones you have been scared of hugging even tighter - the vulnerability is
WORTH it.
Cheers, Momma & thank you
for doing the hard work to always do better when you knew better!
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